Best of British

[Khundon1975]

Little boy at the nude beach. THIS IS PRICELESS... ..

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach...
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

[Khundon1975]

There's a new craze in Liverpool.



Girls are putting vodka jelly up their fannys and having blokes suck it out with straws.

Police and Health authorities are now worried about the effects of minge drinking.

[Big Boy]

The West Ham United board have been in talks with a pet food manufacturer regarding shirt sponsorship for next season.

The Trading Standards organisation has intervened, saying that it would not be appropriate for West Ham United players to have Winalot printed across their chests.

[BaaBaa.]

There's a new craze in Liverpool.

Which part of that was new?

[PeteC]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars
of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was
to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New
York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to
New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever
lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was
so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they
still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each
year on May 5th and is known, of course, as "Sinko de Mayo".

[Khundon1975]

There's a new craze in Liverpool.

Which part of that was new?

It was new to me, I've never tasted vodka before.

[Big Boy]

A man is in bed with his NewThai Wife. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because I really miss mine'.

[Big Boy]

Two ladies talking in heaven


1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, &down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died..

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[Big Boy]

PLEASE NOTE AND ACT ACCORDINGLY

EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your co-operation

[Big Boy]

BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP


DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time.
He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY:DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day.

Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined.
He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship..
I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.

[Big Boy]

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first..... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things....'

'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!

[Big Boy]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.

[mrh79]

I've only just found this thread, i think i may have one or two to add. However, ive got 77 pages worth to browse first , to make sure there are no duplicats! Good work people

[Big Boy]

The old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart Rugby.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Try and conversion 7-all'.

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Penalty 10 points to 7.'

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, 'Penalty 10-all.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail.

Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and then shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, change sides.'

[Big Boy]

A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Scouser lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Scally returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"