Big Boy wrote:Sex at our house has gone downhill recently. As a result my wife bought herself a dildo. She said it's shaped just like a carrot. I thought how ironic, because her womanhood looks just like a yawning donkey.
Should have put this in the Relationships section BB.
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate..
He asked one man 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree'.
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high!'
A Doctor was addressing a large audience;
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
A donkey and a chicken are out in a field when the donkey falls down a hole. The chicken races over and jumps into the farmer's BMW, ties a rope 2 the front, and pulls him out.
The following week they're out in the same field again. This time, the chicken falls down the hole. He shouts to the donkey to run and get the farmer's car again.
Instead, the donkey simply walks over to the hole and lowers his cock. The chicken climbed out.
The moral of the story:
When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pull a chick.
I went to a dinner party last night, where I, and other guests, enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.
From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious- and it appears this is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others diagnosed with Wine Flu.
To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen [Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu].
Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases.
Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to do the trick.
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him casually and replied, 'You're not home!'
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for 'medium, $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
The man answered, 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.''
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly.'
