Best of British

[Big Boy]

A blind man went parachuting. The pilot of the plane asked how he knew when he was about to hit the ground?

The blind man replied, "That's easy, I know that I'm about to reach the ground when my dog's lead goes slack."

[Big Boy]

A little boy runs into the kitchen, and asks his mum, "Is it wrong to have a willy?"

Shocked, his mum replies, "No, of course not dear. Why?"

"Well dad's upstairs in the bathroom, trying to pull his one off!"

[Big Boy]

I used to think I was good in bed until I found out that my wife had asthma.

[Big Boy]

A boy lost his job in the chip shop. His dad goes to find out why. The owner says, "I found him with his dick in the potato peeler."

Dad says, "May I see the potato peeler?"

The owner says, "Nope, I fired him as well!"

[Big Boy]

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Abbariginal."

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

and finally:

It has just been announced that security has been stepped up a level at Liverpool John Lennon airport after a suspicious car was found parked outside. It was complete with all four wheels, current tax disc and a CD player.

[Nereus]

You need to ask one of the Mods to edit out that double post, Bigboy.

( BTW: good to see your appointment. )

[Big Boy]

[Big Boy]

Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman's Answer:

One!

ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb!

They don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE POXY LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

What was the question?

[Big Boy]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened ?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache

Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !'

The husband says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying ....

She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'

His funeral service will be held Saturday

[Big Boy]

A husband and wife were struggling to make ends meet during the recession.

The wife said, "If you cycle to work every day, we could get rid of the 2nd car."

The husband replied, "If you agree to perform better in the bedroom, we could get rid of the nanny."

[Big Boy]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu..............


Ignore it.


It's just spam.

[Big Boy]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[Big Boy]

After having a nice 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembered he had an appointment at the dentist. He was afraid the dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss and washed his mouth repeatedly, using a full bottle of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he ate a packet of extra strong mints.

His turn came up, and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close and asked, "Did you have a 69 before you came here?"

Brian says, "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like fanny?"

The dentist said, "No, you have a skid mark on your forehead."

[Big Boy]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[Khundon1975]

A man was taking his first flying lesson and was at 8000ft when the pilot had a heart attack and died.
he got on the radio to Air traffic control and told them.

ATC said "are you sure the pilot is dead".

He replied "yes I'm sure and I'm frightened as hell cause I'm flying upside down"

ATC said "how do you know you are flying upside down?"

He replied "because the shit is trickling out of my collar"