8 1/2 yr old child left unattended -- what would u have done

[multi_talent2]

Just wanted an opinion from you fellow HHAD posters. Feel free to roast me, agree with me, disagree with me, or insult me. I just want to know how you would've handled this.

For the record, I am a Western male in a long term relationship with an Asian (not Thai) female. My girlfriend has a son, call him Sonny, who's almost 9. Specific nationalities and names have been omitted to protect the guilty.

A few months ago, when Sonny was 8 1/2, my girlfriend and I went to Bangkok for the weekend. The plan was to spend 1 night there as a couple, as we rarely get solo time without her son. The next night, Sonny would join us by shuttle. On our solo night Sonny was going to sleep at the home of two brothers, friends of his from school.

About 8:30 PM on our solo night, we get a phone call from Sonny. He's crying. One of the brothers needed a new pair of shoes at Market Village. According to Sonny, the mother had told him to wait behind at their house while she and the two boys went to get the shoes. They’d be gone for an hour. This story seemed insane when I heard it and still does. This mother can’t drive. She would’ve taken a taxi or a 10B/person tuk tuk to get to Market Village. It’s not like she was driving there on a motorbike and had room for only her two sons. As preposterous as this circumstance may seem to any reader, assume Sonny's version of events is true, that the mother and two sons split and left him at the house alone.

My girlfriend immediately wanted to taxi him to Bangkok. I told her to calm down, call our nanny, who lives 5 minutes away from our house as well as the brothers’ home, pick up Sonny if he was that scared, and take him back to our house and spend the night with him. This is exactly the scenario which would’ve passed had Sonny not been invited to spend the night at his friends’. I pointed out that either shuttling Sonny out of there by taxi or sending the nanny to evacuate him could have some effect on his friendship with the two brothers. I felt it was a drastic reaction for the circumstances. I suggested Sonny wait it out for another 45 minutes. He could call us every 15 minutes if he so chose. This is a kid who loves sitting in front of a TV or computer in passive mode. You’d think he could have passed 45 minutes quite easily. Well, a Western kid probably could’ve. Where Sonny comes from, entire families sleep in an area no bigger than the living room of the house I grew up in. He's not used to ever being by himself.

My girlfriend called the nanny, and the nanny immediately went over to pick him up. At that point, the brothers and mother returned. By then, Sonny didn’t want to go with the nanny, he wanted to stay. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t have let him remain at the brothers' home. He called and cried, and we summoned the nanny because of the ball he set in motion. I would’ve made him go home with the nanny so he could appreciate or disparage the consequences of his own actions. Actually, Sonny now regrets he ever rang us, because his mother has seriously curtailed him sleeping over at any friends’ home thereafter.

Here is where I want your opinion. I think my girlfriend overmothers her son. If this continues, he stands a superb chance of becoming a mama’s boy by Western standards. He's probably par for the course in his own country, but he's no longer living in his country for that standard to matter. His peers are either Western kids or half Western kids. I think rushing to shuttle him to BKK was an extreme response when our nanny is paid to watch him when my girlfriend and/or I are away. What I really want to know is: was my response legitimate? Or should we have blown all the horns and cabbed him to Bangkok, as his mother wished?

Preface your responses by indicating whether you're a male or female and whether you're Western/Asian/African/whatever. I think there's a difference in cultural responses operating here, but I cannot be sure. If nearly everyone responding pronounces me an ass for how I handled this, whatever their sex, whatever their cultural upbringing, then I'll happily admit I screwed up and learn from it the next time. I do know that my own parents would not have taxicabbed me on a three hour trip if a similar 'emergency' had arisen. They would've had some other trustworthy source on the scene deal with the problem. The thing is, I probably wouldn't have panicked at 8 1/2 if my parents left me at home alone. I would've watched whatever TV programs I pleased without parental guidance and raided the freezer.

Input appreciated.

[HuntingTigers]

I am Male, West European - UK, 60+

I think you have to go along with the mother on this one. If this is how it is expected that Thai's react to this situation then, "when in Rome, do as the Romans do". Furthermore, I think it was a reasonable compromise getting the nanny to assist.

As and when you move to a different / more Westernised culture then you will have to inculcate a different value set! Good luck.

HT.

[PeteC]

I think for anyone to make a experienced, knowledgeable reply, and for you to perhaps understand it yourself, you're going to have to reveal where the child and Mother are from.

If they're from an country where crime and child kidnappings are common, I can see his/her attitude. They're not so common in Thailand and children much younger than this boy are left alone and wander around alone all the time.

Their reaction could very well be based upon their experiences outside of Thailand, as well as their lack of experience in Thailand to know any differently. Pete

[migrant]

I'm an American male 50's who raised his 2 kids alone for most of their life.

I have a few comments and opinions.

I think being alone in someone else's house at that age can be intimidating. My son at 81/2 was mature enough that I could leave him alone for a short period, my daughter, no. So I think individual maturity is a part of his Mom's reaction.

I also think it was extremely irresponsible of the friends Mom and I would have had him leave, no longer trusting the Mom of his friends.

I wouldn't have shuttled him to BKK, but would have had the nanny take him home.

my 2 baht

[MrPlum]

I'm a 50+ European misfit who should have had lots more children and no wives.

An hour can feel like an eternity for a young child who lives in the moment and can easily become 'spooked' alone. Having learned through bitter experience, I would never leave my child in someone else's care unless I had absolute confidence. When I first went to Hong Kong, I was appalled to see young children out in night clubs with their parents. 'How selfish', I tut-tutted. 'They should be tucked up in bed!' But isn't it better to keep a child with a parent than leave it with a babysitter, where anything can happen? When I thought about it, I started to come down on the parents side. Better the child is tired than abused, smacked by someone who can't handle them, dead or whisked off by the state never to be seen again.

IMHO I don't think it's a cultural question but the difference between mothers and fathers the world over. A mother will almost always be 'over-protective', especially if the child is sobbing on the end of the line. A father will want a child to 'show some backbone'. From their own perspective both parents are right. I would have been more worried if a concerned neighbour had heard a child crying, called the police and the social services showed up. At least in the UK. You may never see your child again.

There can be an issue of mothers 'mollycoddling', for example, when parents are separated or divorced and the mother is bringing a child up alone. If the child is soaking up only the female 'energy' and there is no strong male presence, then the child may develop to be less masculine. Does the high % of 'absent fathers' in Thailand correlate with the high % of gays in Thailand? I think you could make a case.

I agree. The maturity of the child plays a part.

It's important to ensure any child develops a healthy self-confidence and self-esteem. I thoroughly recommend the UK's 'Learning Through Games' child development system...

[margaretcarnes]

Brit female 60+ - no kids - but had a partner with a pre-school aged boy once.
I do think the friends Mum could have taken Sonny out with her. I can't imagine any woman leaving a child alone in those circumstances - and can't understand why she did it. I wouldn't have left my exes little lad alone for 5 minutes even.
But in the West we are certainly conditioned to maybe being a bit too overprotective - with some justification. Thais DO have a different view.
However - with a presumably trusted nanny close by - who responded quickly and did her job - I certainly think that taxi-ing the lad to Bangkok would have been an over the top reaction.
I can understand the lad might have been scared, but can also see that he may have used the situation to test his mother. Maybe was jealous because she was away without him. Wanted to see if she would put him above you. And that's what has to be nipped in the bud.
Unfortunately only his Mum can do that, by treating him equally and reassuring him that he is loved, but also making it clear that you are a fixture and part of the family also.

[multi_talent2]

Thanks to all for the candid posts.

[dtyolmn]

I'm American in the US. First off the boy is 8.5 which is I feel to young to be left alone unsupervised. From what I read there are alot of children abducted and never seen again. Did your Wife or you meet the parents of the other boys? How well do yo know them. Maybe if the boy was 11-12 it would have been more suitable. How mature is the boy? That is a major consideration but again not at 8.5. To young!

[Jaime]

I am male, western and married to a Thai. We have been married for 10 years. I have two Thai step sons now aged 21 and 14 and they have lived with us in the UK during that time but were raised in Thailand before that. We also have a youngest son who will be 8 next month. I guess you could say that I have experienced most cross-cultural situations you might expect to encounter in a mixed Thai/farang family.

It is a very different thing to leave an 8 year old on his own at home, where he feels secure, to leaving him alone in a strange place. I am certain that my 8 year old would be intimidated by the experience and I think would probably have reacted in much the same way as your GF's boy. My son is not a mummy's boy by any stretch and is quite a tough little nut; into rugby, karate, climbing trees, etc. and is very confident talking with adults. But he is still just a small child. 8 years old is a very tender age no matter how mature you think a kid should be at that age. I would not actually allow my eight year old to be home alone - it is too young.

That said, I think it is fair to say that I did not appreciate how vulnerable small children were - or how to really communicate or empathise with them - until my own son came along and I learned as we went along. As the cliche goes "there's no guide book on raising kids".

The OP doesn't mention whether he has raised any previous children of his own.

Before my own boy came along I am sure that I expected too much of my step sons when they were younger but now I can see that I was, quite simply, wrong. They were just little boys, not the little men that would have made things more convenient for me.

As far as what I would do now in the same situation, well I would certainly have torn off the friends' mother a strip and it would probably have been the end of the friendship. Blood is thicker than water and in that circumstance this particular 'friend of the family' would be expendable.