Best of British

[Big Boy]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -




'Is that one word or two?'

[Big Boy]

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time -

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, in front of a growing crowd of customers.

'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?' She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,

'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'
and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES RUBBED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

[Khundon1975]

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN NOW LIVING IN SUSSEX AFTER HIS MOVE TO THE COUNTRY



DEC 18th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen
for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch
watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees
and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 20th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as
far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush
covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time
ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that
day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street.
The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again.
The children next door built a snowman with
coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple
just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in
their fun.

DEC 25th
Christmas Day. It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the
temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our
trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our
driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his
trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

DEC 31st
New Year's Eve. Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush
which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow
tyres for the car £500. Fell on my arse in the driveway. £100 to a physio
but nothing was broken.

JAN 1st
New Year's Day. Still cold. Had another 8 inches of the white shite last
night. Car covered in salt and iced up slush . That bastard snowplough
came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 3rd
More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been
damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to
death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly
torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered burns on
my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a fucking deer on
the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 4th
That fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on
every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little *****
next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that
carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take a good surgeon 6 hours
to find it. If I ever catch that f***pig that drives the snowplough I'll
chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the
bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and
then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'fucking' Schumacher and buries the fucking driveway again.


JAN 5th
16 more sodding inches of fucking snow and fucking ice and fucking sleet
and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3
months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice - pick.

Can't move my fucking toes or my twatting fingers. Haven't seen the sun
for 5 bastard weeks. Minus 20 and more fucking snow forecast










FUCK THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON !!

[Big Boy]

Journey of one Man


When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide... So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life be came so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction less. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious, that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[Big Boy]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer..

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first .

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him... The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch ? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT.....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


Scroll down









The moral is....

If you don't let a woman have her own way.....
Things are going to get ugly

[Big Boy]

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'

Customer says, 'Female.'

Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?

Customer says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.’

[London Boy]

A Son talking to his Father shortly before his wedding

Son: Dad I have my doubts that Mary is a virgin what shall I do

Father: Well son go to the department store and buy one can of blue paint, one can of red paint and a shovel

Son: How will that help.

Father: Well son paint one of your balls red and the other one blue and if she say’s “Jesus that’s the strangest pair of balls I have ever seen” hit her with the shovel.

[Big Boy]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . ..

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a cup of green tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with green tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:" Well, you see now how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

[Big Boy]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs at any time to be alert and stay really cautious when offered a drink from any woman.....

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer".

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans or from taps in large "kegs".

Beer is now used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would normally not be attracted to.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known or often called "a relationship".

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

Beer Demo http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

[Big Boy]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

[Khundon1975]

He said........I said


He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said to me . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
I said to him . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me . . . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him . . . They don't have time.

He said to me . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet
paper?
I said to him . . . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said to me . . . What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him . . . A widow.

He said to me . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Khundon1975]

Better than a Flu Shot!


Miss Beatrice,

the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.


She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.


'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[Big Boy]

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her…

Sooo…, if you give her a bit of crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh1t.

[Big Boy]

A group of 40 year olds discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Junction Inn because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and great tits.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and discusses where they should eat. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Junction Inn because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Junction Inn because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again to discuss where they should eat. Finally they agree that they should meet at the Junction Inn because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets and again discusses where they should eat. Finally they agree to meet at the Junction Inn because they have never been there before.

[Big Boy]

Charlie, a newly retired employee at the local B&Q store, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10 or 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company, obviously epitomising their 'Older Person Friendly' policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a chat.

"Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a great job, but your arriving a few minutes late so often is becoming quite a problem."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player and I like to hear that members of our team can recognise their shortcomings and tackle them. It does however seem odd to me that you come in late so very often when I know you recently retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They would say, 'Good morning Admiral, would you like some coffee now, sir?'."