Best of British

[Khundon1975]

IDIOT SIGHTING #1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 note. Our total was $4.20, so I also handed her a
Twenty cent piece.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me $1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my
request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 cents and said 'We're
sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then
proceeded to give me back 80cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING #2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough
motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR
made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady,
you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4
and he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park ,Nr Watford
UK


IDIOT SIGHTING #3

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the
Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on
our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I
don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Potters Bar , Herts , UK



IDIOT SIGHTING #4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She
asked the person behind the counter for 'minimum lettuce.' He said he
was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.



IDIOT SIGHTING #5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport
employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened Luton Airport .... UK



IDIOT SIGHTING #6

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's unsafe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of
mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!'

She is a Local County Councillor employee in Harrow , Middlesex , UK


IDIOT SIGHTING #7

When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans,Hertfordshire UK .



STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the RIGHT
TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!

[pharvey]

Some Interesting Facts........

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

[pharvey]

For whatever reason... NEVER park illegally in the UK...... B@ST@RDS!!

[pharvey]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we
go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me,
ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fcuking Coco Pops'

[Khundon1975]

Husband and wife sat watching telly and the husband has the remote.

He is flicking from football to porn, footy, porn, footy, porn, on and on it goes.

Finally the wife says "for heavens sake leave it on porn, you know already know how to play football".

[Big Boy]

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?..

and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get a cake?






Where did the glue go ?


NEED AN ANSWER?


You know darned well where it went! That's what makes the cake stick to your bum and hips.

[Big Boy]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"














"No............I'm a rabbit in Surrey

[georgy]

The story of Frank Feldman---just like in real life

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "perfect timing. You're just like Frank".
Passenger: Who?
Cabbie: Frank Feldman... He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.
Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody.
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could have could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine and which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.
Passenger: Wow, some guy then.
Cabbie: He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a women and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his frickin widow.

[lindosfan1]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland ...
One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
Back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
Grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their Balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and
said,

'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

[lindosfan1]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland ...
One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
Back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
Grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their Balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and
said,

'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

[Big Boy]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.








Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[Big Boy]

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join the club . The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish... beer mostly, whiskey when I'm shooting pool.. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool"


The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz...?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says,

"Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times...."

[Arcadian]

A man decided he would like to become a member of parliament, he went to his nearest constituency office to enquire about the procedure. The receptionist gave him an application form which he filled in until he came to the question:-
Have you been circumcised?
What sort of question is that, he asked the receptionist.
Well, she replied, to become an MP you have to be a complete prick.

[pharvey]

Extracts from letters written to local councils:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

[Big Boy]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a Batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He must have been an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant,"You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied."I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".