AUSSIE BLOKE WATCHING THE FOOTY IN HIS ARMCHAIR SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE,
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE"
SHE SHOUTS BACK, -
"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!!"
Best of the Rest of the World
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pharvey
- Moderator
- Posts: 15700
- Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 10:21 am
- Location: Sir Fynwy - God's Country
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things" - Yma o Hyd.
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pharvey
- Moderator
- Posts: 15700
- Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 10:21 am
- Location: Sir Fynwy - God's Country
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things" - Yma o Hyd.
-
pharvey
- Moderator
- Posts: 15700
- Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 10:21 am
- Location: Sir Fynwy - God's Country
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
July 4th Celebrations....... Binta?
- July4.JPG (56.19 KiB) Viewed 1351 times
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things" - Yma o Hyd.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Just got this text message but not sure if it's a prank;
"Congratulations! you have won either £250.00 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night. To claim your prize press 1 for the money, 2 for show....
"Congratulations! you have won either £250.00 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night. To claim your prize press 1 for the money, 2 for show....
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
And said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the Police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
And said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the Police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
A few non PC jokes
I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run.
It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Poof" & then off we go....
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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain - so that they can see their own doctor.?
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I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69
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I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . ... . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
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A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver.
The "BNP school of diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open
I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run.
It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Poof" & then off we go....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain - so that they can see their own doctor.?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . ... . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver.
The "BNP school of diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
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pharvey
- Moderator
- Posts: 15700
- Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 10:21 am
- Location: Sir Fynwy - God's Country
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Fair warning........
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things" - Yma o Hyd.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Not welcome on Mars:
..............................................................
..............................................................
- Martians.jpg (68.76 KiB) Viewed 1172 times
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
KIWIs
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up,
expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?
Do you drive a tixi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.
I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells,
"He's okay boys. He's one of us."
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up,
expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?
Do you drive a tixi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.
I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells,
"He's okay boys. He's one of us."
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!
Joke
Got this off the bbc, tickled me
I tried to get into a nightclub with my friends. An Indian, a Frenchman,a Swede, a Brazilian, an Australian, a Chinaman, a German, an American, a Canadian, an Italian, a South African, a Scotsman, a Dane, an Argentinian, a Nigerian and a Russian
The doorman stopped us -"Sorry mate" he said "you can't come in here without a Thai"
I tried to get into a nightclub with my friends. An Indian, a Frenchman,a Swede, a Brazilian, an Australian, a Chinaman, a German, an American, a Canadian, an Italian, a South African, a Scotsman, a Dane, an Argentinian, a Nigerian and a Russian
The doorman stopped us -"Sorry mate" he said "you can't come in here without a Thai"
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Pour yourself a stiff one. 
...............................................
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin & Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', highballs' & just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: More money is being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
By 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs & huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
...............................................
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin & Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', highballs' & just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: More money is being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
By 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs & huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!
-
pharvey
- Moderator
- Posts: 15700
- Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 10:21 am
- Location: Sir Fynwy - God's Country
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
My wife and I were on holiday, after a few Sambucas and hours of persuasion she finally agreed to take it up the arse.
I was so relieved, there was no way I could of got another 6 pouches of baccy in my suitcase.
I was so relieved, there was no way I could of got another 6 pouches of baccy in my suitcase.
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things" - Yma o Hyd.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa. While on holiday in
Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.
As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black
dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
"What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.
"F-ckin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed,
"We'd never get away with that at home!
Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.
As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black
dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
"What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.
"F-ckin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed,
"We'd never get away with that at home!
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Lil' Johnny...
Teacher to the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow
up?"
Lil' Johnny: "I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive
clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million
bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to
travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her
three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad
behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said
and then continues the lesson:
And you, Tanya?
"I wanna be Lil' Johnny's bitch!"
Teacher to the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow
up?"
Lil' Johnny: "I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive
clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million
bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to
travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her
three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad
behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said
and then continues the lesson:
And you, Tanya?
"I wanna be Lil' Johnny's bitch!"
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.