In a pickle with possible stalker

[Don East Stand]

Hi Migrant,

I accept your point that someone in a long term relationship may be referred to as "husband" or indeed "wife" as the case may be, but having established that they are "husband" or "wife" that would not change within two seconds.

Indeed I have many friends who are not married but are in long term relationships, and once I have accepted them as "married" I will consistently refer to them as either "husband" or "wife" and not change it within two sentances.

My point was more to do with the inconsistencies in Lola's original post.

Hope that clears it up.

[Frank Hovis]

I don't think we need to be too nit-picky with her posting. It's not for us to decide if the guy is stalking her friend or not, nor whether her relationship with the guy (or her husband) is 'a bit odd'.

If it's a load of cobblers then it's cost us a few keystrokes that we'd didn't *need* to do if we didn't want to. If it's not then she has had some advice and hopefully she will pass that on to her friend and her friend can then decide whether to take any of the advice on board.

Not everyone has someone they can turn to in such a situation, asking a group of semi-random people that you don't know might just uncover something she hasn't thought of. She hasn't named anyone so take the post at face value 'My friend feels like a guy is stalking her, what advice would you give her' instead of trying to figure out if her friend is leading him on or cheating on her husband/boyfriend.

Whatever is the real story, and the OP may not even know that, anyone that asks for help on this forum should at least get some sort of sensible response without having to give out every tiny detail of their situation.

[barrys]

While I agree with Barry that this needs action asap, I respectfully disagree with confronting the guy personally. You are just adding fuel to his fire by making it personal and giving him an excuse to hate the husband as well, and do something underhanded.

As the husband,I would be angry and tempted to deal with it myself, but logic tells me to stay out of it. The husband can't always have a tough guy friend around, and may not be able to physically handle a deranged 25 year old.

He sounds mentally unstable to even be acting like this in the first place. Guys like this can also be paranoid and may carry a knife. Better to let the police handle it. That's why they have guns.

Just to clarify:
In my case I knew the guy, so could assess the situation and/or possible danger in advance and was able to select the venue, i.e. our marina, and ensure that help was nearby if required, though I was pretty sure that wouldn't be necessary.

Another important point, in response to Advocate's statement "As the husband, I would be angry and tempted to deal with it myself, but logic tells me to stay out of it", is NOT to respond with anger. Anger only breeds more anger. I had no reason to be angry. My gf was honest about the situation. My mission was NOT to give the guy a hard time; simply to let him know that what he was trying was futile and get him to STOP.

As for "The husband can't always have a tough guy friend around, and may not be able to physically handle a deranged 25 year old", the friend doesn't have to be a tough guy - he can just be there to help calm the situation and be a witness and, psychologically, it's less likely that one guy will pick on 2 guys, given the fact that what he is alleged to be doing is a pretty cowardly act, anyway.

As for the possibility of having a knife, that can be prepared for by keeping one's distance and one person having a camera, after which the police would HAVE to act, even here I think.

As for your last statement about getting the police involved straightaway, I would totally agree with you if we were living in a state where the rule of law is applied in a consistent, impartial and conscientious manner.
That would have been my next step if my own plan had not worked.

I do concede, however, that you are a professional in such matters and I am not. My suggestions are based on my own experience and belief that it is possible to talk people out of deviant behaviour like this by rationalising with them face to face as a first option.

To conclude on our point of consensus, delaying action will not help matters at all, it will simply encourage him.

[migrant]

Hi Migrant,

I accept your point that someone in a long term relationship may be referred to as "husband" or indeed "wife" as the case may be, but having established that they are "husband" or "wife" that would not change within two seconds.

Indeed I have many friends who are not married but are in long term relationships, and once I have accepted them as "married" I will consistently refer to them as either "husband" or "wife" and not change it within two sentances.

My point was more to do with the inconsistencies in Lola's original post.

Hope that clears it up.

I understand your point

[J.J.B.]

To conclude on our point of consensus, delaying action will not help matters at all, it will simply encourage him.

I can't help thinking that there must have been some other kind of initial encouragement to begin with in order to elicit such a dramatic response. If the guy in question is so unstable and has taken an irrational shine to this girl with so little encouragement then I'd certainly choose the police as the first option since it sounds like he should be removed from society for his and our protection.

If, however, she has led him on in any way - deliberately or otherwise - (we used to call it 'flirting' in the olden days) then she has to deal with what she has done responsibly and honestly, causing as little hurt as possible to those involved. Running away from the gym and trying to solve the problem after the damage has been done doesn't seem to be the best option.

Generally, there is no smoke without fire, and what red-blooded male doesn't like to be flattered by the attention of an attractive lady? I think this woman has some explaining to do somewhere along the line, whether she wants to admit it or not...

[margaretcarnes]

Why would she ask a farangs advice on how to handle this? You would think if she is a business lady she would know how to handle such harassment, all seems a bit odd to me.

At a guess because she trusts her farang friend - who by the way everyone assumes is male - and because she thinks a farang will better understand the motives of the stalker.
As often happens far too much stereotyping and assumptions go on. We all do it - but we maybe need to step back sometimes and look at all the possibilities, and also remember that in Thai culture women (whatever their jobs) are often still reluctant to challenge a man.

[Takiap]

If, however, she has led him on in any way - deliberately or otherwise - (we used to call it 'flirting' in the olden days) then she has to deal with what she has done responsibly and honestly

Even is she slept with him, that wouldn't mean she has to have a relationship with him. If she has made it clear that she's not interested, then he should accept it and walk away. Guys flirt with women all the time, but that doesn't give those women the right to harass them.


If the OP's version of events is genuine, then I can only say the guy must be very thick skinned and very desperate. If I was keen on a particular woman, and she wasn't even interested in talking to me on the phone, I'd certainly get the message. I mean, let's face it, you don't have to be very intelligent to whether or not there's chemistry.


And, to those who have said we shouldn't be judging.............leave your politically correct jumpsuits in the cupboard. Nobody has judged anyone. Having gone through this entire thread again, I only see advice being offered.

[T.I.G.R.]

A Thai woman will react much differently to something like harassment/stalking than a Falang woman would. She is very likely to do absolutely nothing to defend herself; other than perhaps to ask a falang g/f to help her, and to tell her Thai friends about what's going on.

Lola, you might consider asking one or more male Falang friends if she has any to talk to the man and to contact the father, the best one being her husband; certainly not in a threatening manner, but just to let him know others are aware of his actions.

I've been in this situation a couple of times, and even with me being a small man, the fact that another male interceded caused the inappropriate activity to stop......it doesn't take a fist fight to get your point across.

Finally she should have her friend contact the British Consulate if there are actual physical threats she can document by keeping them on her phone or computer. A documented threat like that should be something the consulate can use to bring some legal action against the guy or have him deported.

[advocate]

Re quote from Barry:

Just to clarify:
In my case I knew the guy, so could assess the situation and/or possible danger in advance and was able to select the venue, i.e. our marina, and ensure that help was nearby if required, though I was pretty sure that wouldn't be necessary.

Barry, I think the above is the reason you chose to handle your wife's stalker yourself, and I think your actions were well reasoned, and entirely appropriate.

But, your stalker was sending messages of a sexual nature only, without anger, threats, or intimidation, and was not seeking revenge for a perceived wrong. So you were able to judge that the risk of violence was highly unlikely based on the man's character and the nature of the messages. The content of sexual messages might not be seen as threatening or of a criminal nature, but more likely as unwelcome, since the lady is in a committed relationship.

However, the OP's stalker appears mentally unstable, threatening, and is seeking revenge. Also he has gone out of his way to harass and intimidate, even after having his number blocked.

So, I lean towards the view that a police response might not be approprate in all situations, such as yours, but is warranted in the OP's particular circumstances.

[margaretcarnes]

A Thai woman will react much differently to something like harassment/stalking than a Falang woman would. She is very likely to do absolutely nothing to defend herself; other than perhaps to ask a falang g/f to help her, and to tell her Thai friends about what's going on.

Lola, you might consider asking one or more male Falang friends if she has any to talk to the man and to contact the father, the best one being her husband; certainly not in a threatening manner, but just to let him know others are aware of his actions.

I've been in this situation a couple of times, and even with me being a small man, the fact that another male interceded caused the inappropriate activity to stop......it doesn't take a fist fight to get your point across.

Finally she should have her friend contact the British Consulate if there are actual physical threats she can document by keeping them on her phone or computer. A documented threat like that should be something the consulate can use to bring some legal action against the guy or have him deported.

From what I know of Consular work this type of case isn't within their remit unfortunately. Nor would it be appropriate for a Thai woman to simply kick the guy in the goolies, as many farang women would in order to deal with the situation.

[MrPlum]

Nor would it be appropriate for a Thai woman to simply kick the guy in the goolies

I think I need to revisit my relationship. It's the g'fs first line of defence.