I've got used to them now, but, given the choice, I'll always go for the safer option of a western loo.
VS
Best of the Rest of the World
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Vital Spark
- Legend
- Posts: 2047
- Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 10:34 pm
- Location: Arcos de la Frontera, Spain
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Very early days I nearly broke my ankle in one of those damned loos. Us ladies have to reverse on to them and it takes a bit of practice to get it right. I had a pair of high-heeled shoes on, and my foot slipped on the 'grippy' bit at the side, and slid completely into the water. The toe of my shoe was caught in the bend, so I got my foot out, retrieved the now soaking wet shoe, tipped the water out of the shoe, and 'elegantly' walked/hobbled out of the cubicle like nothing had happened.
I've got used to them now, but, given the choice, I'll always go for the safer option of a western loo.
VS
I've got used to them now, but, given the choice, I'll always go for the safer option of a western loo.
VS
"Properly trained, man can be a dog's best friend"
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place
across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
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Dannie Boy
- Hero
- Posts: 13892
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 8:12 pm
- Location: Closer to Cha Am than Hua Hin
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
> The largest condom factory in the States burned down.
> President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
> "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!
> I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has
> burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of
> condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
> Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all
> those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in
> from Mexico ......"
> Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day
> with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK" ?
> Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million
> condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll
> continue to respect us as Americans."
> Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the
> first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of
> condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested...
> All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:
>
>
> MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
>
> President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
> "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!
> I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has
> burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of
> condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
> Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all
> those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in
> from Mexico ......"
> Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day
> with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK" ?
> Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million
> condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll
> continue to respect us as Americans."
> Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the
> first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of
> condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested...
> All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:
>
>
> MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
>
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
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Dannie Boy
- Hero
- Posts: 13892
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 8:12 pm
- Location: Closer to Cha Am than Hua Hin
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, ‘Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Concerned, the mother said, 'Why yes of course. Why do you ask?'
The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, ‘Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Concerned, the mother said, 'Why yes of course. Why do you ask?'
The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE DIRECTORY
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are a blond, don't you dare press any buttons, cos you'll only fuck it up.
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are a blond, don't you dare press any buttons, cos you'll only fuck it up.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Little Johny's naughty Sister
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"
Before her mother could raise a concern,
Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut.."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty.
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"
Before her mother could raise a concern,
Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut.."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty.
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Dannie Boy
- Hero
- Posts: 13892
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 8:12 pm
- Location: Closer to Cha Am than Hua Hin
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen gain.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen gain.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
> Racist as they come
> An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an Iranian, a Bahamian, a Saudi Arabian, a Syrian, an Egyptian, an Armenian, several Americans including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Barbadian, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, a Tahitian, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Latvian and 47 Africans walk into a very fancy restaurant....
>
>
"I'm sorry," said the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance.
>
>
" you can't come in here without a Thai."
> An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an Iranian, a Bahamian, a Saudi Arabian, a Syrian, an Egyptian, an Armenian, several Americans including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Barbadian, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, a Tahitian, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Latvian and 47 Africans walk into a very fancy restaurant....
>
>
"I'm sorry," said the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance.
>
>
" you can't come in here without a Thai."
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
The Hunting Accident
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Obamas`medical checkup for a Russian visa:
- Obama sml.jpg (28.89 KiB) Viewed 611 times
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!
-
Dannie Boy
- Hero
- Posts: 13892
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 8:12 pm
- Location: Closer to Cha Am than Hua Hin
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
The Importance of walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £4,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
I joined a health club last year, spent about £250
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there!
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £4,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
I joined a health club last year, spent about £250
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there!
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
-
Dannie Boy
- Hero
- Posts: 13892
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 8:12 pm
- Location: Closer to Cha Am than Hua Hin
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
First instalment, more to follow.
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Dannie Boy
- Hero
- Posts: 13892
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 8:12 pm
- Location: Closer to Cha Am than Hua Hin
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Second instalment
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