bikesrus wrote:a large lady came up to me in a bar and said... do these jeans make my bum look big ?? i said no... its all the cream cakes you have eaten that makes your bum look big !!!
Two Palestinian girls walking down Jerusalem high street on a Saturday night, in their best flowing dresses.
One says to the other, "Ere Trace, does my bomb look big in this...?"
A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
"On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so well?"
"That`s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child? "Blair replied, "That`s easy. The child was me." "Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."
So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?"
"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."
So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.
As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?" "That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"
So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"
"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"
A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and say's "this is the pig I have to f**k when you're not up for sex". His wife says "I think you'll find that it’s a sheep" The farmer said "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"!!!!
Leonardo Di Caprio, Tom Hanks and Arnold Schwarzenegger get called into Martin Scorsese's office and told to sit down. They all sit down and Martin says I am planning on making a movie about 18th Century German composers. They all sit for a while looking at each other in silience and then Arnold gets up out of his seat and walks towards the door. He then stops and turns round and says:
"I'll be Bach"
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
Bloke goes to a psychiatrist, and says Doc, you've got to help me. Every time I see my reflection in a mirror, or a shop wndow, I get an erection - why?
The psychiatrist replies "It's because you're a cunt."
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a temple.
He goes to the temple, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they Say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the temple and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk." The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the temple. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God Knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The Monks reply, "Congratulation s. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Dan and I'm going to a Halloween party."
There is a statue of two lovers embracing in a park. One day a genie passes by and thinks, how terrible that two fit young people with perfectly formed bidies have to remain in the same position for eternity.
He goes up to the statue and utters some magic words and the man and woman turn into real people. They ask the genie, "What has happened here, why have we come to life". The genie replies that he felt pity for them and was able to allow them just one hour as real humans and in that hour they could do anything that they had been wanting to do for the last 100 years.
With much gratitude from both of them they ran off into the bushes. A lot of rustling is heard and many sounds of pleasure and ecstacy. 30 minutes later they both come out and face the genie. The genie is surprised, checks his watch and says "you have only been 30 minutes you have another 30 minutes left, can't you think of some else to do". They look at each other and then back at the genie and say "No we can't". The genie says OK why don't you go back into to the bushes and do it the other way round.
They look at each other in puzzlement and then the woman says, "Oh, I see what you mean, this time he holds the pigeon and I shit on it's head".
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
Nike have invented a new training shoe for lesbians its called
"Nikes for Dykes" It comes with an extra long tongue and you can get them off with 1 finger!!
