Not very funny

[Big Boy]

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."



"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?

[Jockey]

Cmon' Guy's n' Gals! This is supposed to be a not very funny thread... like these...

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it

So I said " Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night
before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.........one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come into your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bi-satchel

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster"

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
please, and one for the road."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal" The other goes to a family in Spain,
they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Man gets stopped by copper on the road. "Where were you between 6 and 12" the copper asks.
The man replies "primary school".

[DawnHRD]

Jockey,

Have you paid the royalties to Tommy Cooper's estate for those jokes??

[Jockey]

Jockey,

Have you paid the royalties to Tommy Cooper's estate for those jokes??

Dawn - you must be thinking of these:

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said butchly! 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said campily! 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Tommy Cooper was in a taxi and when he got to the end of his journey and paid his fare, the cab sat there waiting for his tip when Tommy gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink on me."

Just like that!

[Edd Case]

Jockey wrote

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

Dyslexics of the world untie

[Big Boy]

Irish man finds a sandwich in the gutter with 2 red wires sticking out of it! He phones the police and says, "Help me bejesus, I've found a sandwich that looks like a bomb."

The operator says, "Is it tickin?"

He says, "No, I tink its beef."

[Jaime]

Apparently pig DNA is very close to that of humans and has allowed pig organs to be transplanted into people.

The latest use of pig donor organs is for ear transplants. The patients can hear almost as well as with a human ear but there's a bit of crackling.....

[Guess]

Then there is the Elephant' trunk transplant for the not so well endowed man. One chap tries it and goes back to the hospital later and the surgeon asks, "Everything OK now?"

The chap says, "Yes but every time I sit down for dinner it pops out, grabs a banana and sticks it up my bum."

[Jockey]

Panda walks into a bar, orders a meal, eats it up quickly, pulls out a gun, shoots it, and leaves the bar. The barman turns to another fellow and says "What the hell was that about!?" The man responds: "He's a Panda, that's what he does, eats shoots and leaves"

[darwinian]

A kangaroo walked into a bar and ordered a pint of bitter.
"That will be £6.50." said the landlord."We don't get many kangaroos in here."
" At £6.50 a pint I'm not surprised."said the kangaroo.

[PeteC]

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to F lorida on Thursday, with
his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left
out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error,
sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attac k. The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your
journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here

[housedoctor]

Paddy & Mary are celebrating 25 years together at their original honeymoon hotel. Finishing a romantic dinner on the terrace Paddy turns to Mary & asks her if she would like to do anything special. There is indeed Paddy, says Mary. You know that big chestnut tree at the bottom of the field where you first made love to me, you remember, the tree with the big fence around it. Well I'd love you to make love to me up against that fence just like all those years ago. So the ever obliging Paddy take Mary down the meadow & proceeds to perform his conubials. To his amazement Mary is all over him, jumping and screaming ,raking his back etc. When they were finished Paddy says to Mary, Jasus love that was fantastic. You were more hot than you were 25 years ago. Mary says, thats because the fence was'nt electrified 25 years ago.

[PeteC]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her
students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would
you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?"

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake
hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

[Thai Tam]

Jockey,

Really!!!!!!! eats, shoots, and leaves...

[PeteC]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked
the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer
ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole
Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just
by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After
he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun
and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked
at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?