Take My Wife…
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What
does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second
one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit
it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Best of British
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Kraka's Dad
- Guru
- Posts: 787
- Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2004 8:47 pm
- Location: Wales UK
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay,...how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"No", she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay,...how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"No", she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes
to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet
he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in
bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands
he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feels like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
coming from different positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them.... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
METRO Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."
HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew."
TED Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."
NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."
PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes
to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet
he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in
bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands
he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feels like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
coming from different positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them.... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
METRO Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."
HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew."
TED Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."
NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."
PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!
Per Angusta In Augusta.
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www.hamandbacon.co.th
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http://www.facebook.com/huahinhamandbacon
www.hamandbacon.co.th
I was looking for that one as I read through this...LOL. Somewhere, maybe ABC Australia or some joke show I found on UBC here, had many quotes from this Rugby commentator. It seems he says things like that all the time without realizing it. At least enough for them to make a 5 minute clip of all of it. PeteJD wrote:NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
-
Kraka's Dad
- Guru
- Posts: 787
- Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2004 8:47 pm
- Location: Wales UK
The best blooper I ever heard was on Test Match Special.
England v West Indies
England were batting and the commentator came out with the classic.
" The bowlers Holding the batsmen's Willey"
(Michael Holding bowling to Peter Willey.)
You could hear the laughing in the background as it came out.
To his credit the commentator carried on without cracking up.
England v West Indies
England were batting and the commentator came out with the classic.
" The bowlers Holding the batsmen's Willey"
(Michael Holding bowling to Peter Willey.)
You could hear the laughing in the background as it came out.
To his credit the commentator carried on without cracking up.
Last edited by Kraka's Dad on Fri Dec 08, 2006 5:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
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Wanderlust
- Legend
- Posts: 2862
- Joined: Wed Aug 04, 2004 12:27 pm
- Location: Hua Hin
One of the all time classics was by the legendary David Coleman (and for those of you not from the UK he had his own dedicated piece in a satirical paper 'Private Eye' called 'Colemanballs' Initially it was just him but it developed to include all commentary gaffes). During the 800 metres Olympic final he uttered the immortal words, 'And Juantorena opens his legs and shows his class'!
A wedding occurred just outside Govan in Glasgow. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court". The court room goes silent and Billy (the best man) stands up and says "Judge. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Billy to take the stand. Billy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Govan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".
"Well", said Billy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs". Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God that must have hurt!"
"HURT!", Billy replies "He broke three of my fingers
"Well", said Billy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs". Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God that must have hurt!"
"HURT!", Billy replies "He broke three of my fingers
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
The Inland Revenue sent their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the usual checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says "I notice that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes" answered the Rabbi.
"Well, what do you do with the candle drippings?" The auditor asked.
"A good question" noted the Rabbi "We actually save them up, and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. Every now and again, the candle maker sends us a free box of candles."
"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. He decided to try again ... "Well what about all these Matzo purchases? You must gather lots of crumbs from all that bread, so what do you do with it?"
"Ah yes" replied the Rabbi, unpreturbed, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo. Once we have enough, we send them in a box to the manufacturer, and every once in a while, they send us a box of matzo balls."
"Oh" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well tell me this, then, Rabbi" he continued "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too we do not waste" replied the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we parcel them up and actually send them to the Inland Revenue."
"What?!! Inland Revenue?!?" Questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Yes" replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue ... and in return, about once a year,
they send us a little prick like you."
"Yes" answered the Rabbi.
"Well, what do you do with the candle drippings?" The auditor asked.
"A good question" noted the Rabbi "We actually save them up, and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. Every now and again, the candle maker sends us a free box of candles."
"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. He decided to try again ... "Well what about all these Matzo purchases? You must gather lots of crumbs from all that bread, so what do you do with it?"
"Ah yes" replied the Rabbi, unpreturbed, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo. Once we have enough, we send them in a box to the manufacturer, and every once in a while, they send us a box of matzo balls."
"Oh" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well tell me this, then, Rabbi" he continued "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too we do not waste" replied the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we parcel them up and actually send them to the Inland Revenue."
"What?!! Inland Revenue?!?" Questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Yes" replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue ... and in return, about once a year,
they send us a little prick like you."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Billy Joe and Mary Sue newly joined in holy matrimony are spending their wedding night at Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in Wheeling, West Virginia.
They have abstained from the dirty deed until this very night.
Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him: "Wait Billy Joe, I just thought you should know....this ain't just our first time....this here is my first time ever.
I'm a virgin. I been savin' myself just for you"
"What you sayin' Mary Sue" replies Billy Joe
"I said I am a virgin. One hunnert percent cherry. Just for you on our weddin' night"
"You're a VIRGIN?"
"That's right, please be gentle."
"Gentle! Gentle my ass, I'm outta here!"
With that Billy Joe pulls up his pants and leaves his virgin bride, Lying alone and naked. He slams the motel door and jumps in his pick-up and drives back home.
"Pa! Pa! Wake up! You're not gonna believe this!"
"Huh? Billy Joe, what the hell you doin' here? It's 3am on your Wedding night! Why the hell ain't you and that pretty new wife of yours on haystack somewhere, f*!/ing like rabbits?"
"Pa, I was all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that's she's a virgin!"
"A VIRGIN?"
"That's right Pa. One hundred percent cherry. As soon as she told me I got the hell outta there as fast as I could"
"Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing.....cos if she ain't good enough for her own family, she certainly ain't good enough for ours!!!!"
They have abstained from the dirty deed until this very night.
Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him: "Wait Billy Joe, I just thought you should know....this ain't just our first time....this here is my first time ever.
I'm a virgin. I been savin' myself just for you"
"What you sayin' Mary Sue" replies Billy Joe
"I said I am a virgin. One hunnert percent cherry. Just for you on our weddin' night"
"You're a VIRGIN?"
"That's right, please be gentle."
"Gentle! Gentle my ass, I'm outta here!"
With that Billy Joe pulls up his pants and leaves his virgin bride, Lying alone and naked. He slams the motel door and jumps in his pick-up and drives back home.
"Pa! Pa! Wake up! You're not gonna believe this!"
"Huh? Billy Joe, what the hell you doin' here? It's 3am on your Wedding night! Why the hell ain't you and that pretty new wife of yours on haystack somewhere, f*!/ing like rabbits?"
"Pa, I was all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that's she's a virgin!"
"A VIRGIN?"
"That's right Pa. One hundred percent cherry. As soon as she told me I got the hell outta there as fast as I could"
"Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing.....cos if she ain't good enough for her own family, she certainly ain't good enough for ours!!!!"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
Kraka's Dad
- Guru
- Posts: 787
- Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2004 8:47 pm
- Location: Wales UK
out of office auto replies to use:
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless mails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7: I've run away to join a different circus.
8: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'John'
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless mails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7: I've run away to join a different circus.
8: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'John'
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One Wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope.........just when it's raining".
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope.........just when it's raining".
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you!" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.
The lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".
The lady replied, "I'm not laughing at you. It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of 'Snow' everyday in the
Caribbean!"
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.
The lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".
The lady replied, "I'm not laughing at you. It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of 'Snow' everyday in the
Caribbean!"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
30-ish - 39
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle For example; when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
30-ish - 39
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle For example; when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an M) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.
And the best one for last;
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding
something with hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.
And the best one for last;
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding
something with hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED