"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the Essex girl.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"
Not very funny
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford."
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Guy goes into a bar ...
whilst drinking his beer he hears someone say 'You look very smart today' He looks around but cant see anybody.
a few minutes later he hears someone say 'I love the colour of your eyes' . He looks around and cant see anybody
a few minutes later he hears someone say 'I think you are really handsome'. he looks around and cant see anybody.
By now he is getting a bit worried. He asks the barman if he has heard and noises. Dont worry says the barman ..its the peanuts ..they are complimentary
whilst drinking his beer he hears someone say 'You look very smart today' He looks around but cant see anybody.
a few minutes later he hears someone say 'I love the colour of your eyes' . He looks around and cant see anybody
a few minutes later he hears someone say 'I think you are really handsome'. he looks around and cant see anybody.
By now he is getting a bit worried. He asks the barman if he has heard and noises. Dont worry says the barman ..its the peanuts ..they are complimentary
Big Boy wrote:The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka, then suck it out with a straw. Health experts are now warning about the dangers of minge drinking.
Maggie Thatcher was being chauffeur driven to her next appointment. Driving through England's finest country roads they turn a bend and hit a cow, the mercedes careering off the road. The chauffeur goes for help leaving poor Maggie alone in the car next to the cow field. 2 hours later the chauffeur returned, pissed as a newt, party hat on head and streamer from mouth.
Dame Thatcher demanded what was going on! The driver explained he got to the local village, said he was Maggie Thatcher's driver, said he had killed the cow and it all started from there!
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter' s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's
testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
The girl was wearing a firefighter' s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's
testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Per Angusta In Augusta.
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.facebook.com/huahinhamandbacon
www.hamandbacon.co.th
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.facebook.com/huahinhamandbacon
www.hamandbacon.co.th
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes in to her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should
Spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses". If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer and call it a day
Spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses". If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer and call it a day
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
SAD NEWS
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Kokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Kokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Hi Forum - as you all seem to be in joke mood today - here's one to get on with...... (sorry it's a bit long winded - but should make you smile (?)
hope to meet some of you soon - will visit HH later this mont or in July - fingers x!!
****************************
The danger of bragging about your kids
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company,
where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame.. what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him.
And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000
square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from
his three boyfriends."
hope to meet some of you soon - will visit HH later this mont or in July - fingers x!!
****************************
The danger of bragging about your kids
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company,
where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame.. what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him.
And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000
square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from
his three boyfriends."
-
elem
- Professional
- Posts: 422
- Joined: Sun Jul 23, 2006 8:32 pm
- Location: out and about in the dirty soi...
he he
REALLY LOVE IT... ;-) I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was supposedly a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees, (in all seriousness) It also went to all field engineers, about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine.
The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
PLEASE only follow below instructions:
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. <>Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer/job satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
Instruction to end-users: PLEASE KEEP YOUR BALLS CLEAN ALL THE TIME.
This was supposedly a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees, (in all seriousness) It also went to all field engineers, about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine.
The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
PLEASE only follow below instructions:
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. <>Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer/job satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
Instruction to end-users: PLEASE KEEP YOUR BALLS CLEAN ALL THE TIME.
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place, "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you".
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh; she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his: she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . . " "You just happened to catch my eye."
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place, "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you".
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh; she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his: she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . . " "You just happened to catch my eye."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED