Clarkson - Top Gear Quotes

[JD]

Love him or loath him, he does say some funny quotes, and doesn't seem to care about being PC.

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"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."


"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."


......"the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"


On the Alfa Romeo Brera...
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"


Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'


On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"


"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"


"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"


"Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary... that's what gets you."


'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'


"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"


"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler"


(Fed up during the caravanning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"


"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""


(Mercedes CL S55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."


"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"


Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'


"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi"


"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"


"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"


On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory"


"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."


"America: 250 million w*nkers living in a country with no word for w*nker"


"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"


In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.


Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"


"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."


"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"


"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching.........on their face"


"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "


"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."


"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I wont go to stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!"


"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..."
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green


Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.


"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
(Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!)

[Pagey]

I read one of his books last year which was a collection of his newspaper articles and not limited to motoring. Excellent read and he is very knowledgeable about lots of subjects and as you can see above very witty with it.

one of his articles was about organising a party for his wifes birthday. He was having invites printed and didn't know what dress code to put on the invite. He settled for ' No Cordorouy'. Classic.

[Terry]

Has to be my journalistic hero of all time.

I recall a review of the then current Peugot 305 (Many years back).
He obviously hated it with a passion.

He walked around the car criticising evry aspect and then lifted the bonnet and said..

'And the engine - oh yes - it's got one' slammed the bonnet, grinned at the camera and walked off........Classic

His series of programmes called Speed were also gems

After praising the technology of Concorde, stating that it was also introduced at the same time as the Morris 1100 he then said

'In fact this aeroplane is SO good, I'm surprised the Americans haven't claimed to have invented it'

JD

I agree - love him or hate him, his wit is undeniable.

[BaaBaa.]

Tommy Saxondale is also a big fan of Clarkson.

[DawnHRD]

Clarkson is one of the funniest men that Britain has produced. Absolutely love him! Especially when he's talking about other nationalities. No, he's not pc, but isn't that what's so great about him?

[Jaime]

I hate him.

When I see him on TV I turn over.

He is the living emodiment of crass 'smug TV' that seems to be swamping our TV channels in the UK.

Other culprits include Mark Lamarr, Phil Jupitus & their cohorts on Never Mind the Buzzcocks and any of those "Worst 50 ... of all time" type shows where non-entities (usually the sort of dickhead who ends up as a panellist on Never Mind the Buzzcocks) get a soapbox on which they pretend to remember and comment on things that happened before they were born.

Grumpy old men is also a pile of self indulgent shite.

Tossers.

[Pagey]

Never mind the buzzcocks was one of my fave shows although as I left UK 5 years ago I've no idea if it's still on.

Mark Lemarr is so funny. During the round where you had to pick out a performer from years ago they had the little girl who was singing in St.Winfreds school choir. Mark then said before they showed the old video clip, 'the panel cannot see this but for those of you at home, here's a little snatch......................'

I also liked 'They think it's all over' so no doubt Jaime hated that also !!

[BaaBaa.]

Buzzcocks is still on, presented by Simon Amstell now who I prefer to Lemarr.

Lemarr went right up his own arse in the last few series.

[Jaime]

You are correct. They Think its all Over was marginally better, as less puerile, but still way too smug for me. More shite paid for by TV licence slaves.

Bill Bailey is wasted on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

[BaaBaa.]

Bill Bailey is wasted on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

Very true.

[redzonerocker]

i like clarkson. yes he is a smug git but also very funny. i like his presenting manner & his newspaper columns are good reading too.
i have a bill bailey dvd,probably one of the funniest shows i've ever seen