This is the message that apparently a Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering Machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various Key Stages.
The outgoing message:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in Your Newsletter and several other letters posted to you - Press 5
* If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
* To complain about bus transport - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
LASTLY:
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:
Hang up and have a really wonderful day!
If you want this in other languages, you must be in the wrong country.
This is England."
Best of British
Three little ducks go into a bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A fleeing member of the Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find Water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jew at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water. I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back and said to the old Jew:
"Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie."
Hoping to find Water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jew at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water. I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back and said to the old Jew:
"Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
dtaai-maai
- Hero
- Posts: 14877
- Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2007 10:00 pm
- Location: UK, Robin Hood country
You'll almost certainly have to be British to get this one. And even then, you might have to think about it for a moment or two (well, I did!)
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his
cows frozen solid.
As far as the eye can see the cows, are motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything
like this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How
would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked
the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the
cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon
back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field
was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the
farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by
"No" said the farmer "who?"
*
*
*
*
*
"That was Thora Hird"
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his
cows frozen solid.
As far as the eye can see the cows, are motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything
like this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How
would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked
the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the
cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon
back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field
was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the
farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by
"No" said the farmer "who?"
*
*
*
*
*
"That was Thora Hird"
This is the way
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, ARE NOT:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6 Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, ARE NOT:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. Your equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting it off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, ARE NOT:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6 Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, ARE NOT:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. Your equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting it off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, ARE NOT:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the pews.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 200 7 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Random Useless Facts
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms AND kept the same tagline...........
>Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
>Tesco Condoms - every little helps
>Nike Condoms - Just do it.
>Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
>Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
>KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.
>Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
>Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
>Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
>Halifax Condoms - Always Giving You Extra
>Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
>Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
>Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop
>Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper
>Goodyear condoms - 'for a longer ride go wide'
>Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
>Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
>Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
>Renault condoms - size really does matter!
>Flash condoms - just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work
>Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!
>Heineken condoms - reaches parts that others just cannot reach
>Carlsberg condoms - probably the best in the world
>Mars condoms - pleasure you can't measure
>AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
>Pepperami condoms - its a bit of an animal
>Polo condoms - the one with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)
>L'Oreal condoms - because your worth it!
>Mr muscle condoms - love the jobs you hate!
>Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
>Tesco Condoms - every little helps
>Nike Condoms - Just do it.
>Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
>Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
>KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.
>Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
>Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
>Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
>Halifax Condoms - Always Giving You Extra
>Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
>Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
>Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop
>Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper
>Goodyear condoms - 'for a longer ride go wide'
>Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
>Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
>Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
>Renault condoms - size really does matter!
>Flash condoms - just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work
>Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!
>Heineken condoms - reaches parts that others just cannot reach
>Carlsberg condoms - probably the best in the world
>Mars condoms - pleasure you can't measure
>AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
>Pepperami condoms - its a bit of an animal
>Polo condoms - the one with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)
>L'Oreal condoms - because your worth it!
>Mr muscle condoms - love the jobs you hate!
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained (as usual) "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository...it's up to you!"
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository...it's up to you!"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses"
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A dwarf woman goes to the doctors.
The doctor says "What can I do for you?"
The dwarf woman says "Doctor,every time it rains my fanni gets sore."
The doctor doesn't understand and asks her to explain.
So she says "I don't know what it is,but every time it's raining,my fanni f.cking kills me."
The doctor says "Well I'll tell you what,come back and see me when it's raining and I'll have a look."
A couple of days later it's pissing down and the dwarf woman's back at the doctors.
"Right," he says. "Hop on to the bench and I'll take a look at you."
So she gets on the bench and the doctor examines her.
Then he goes and gets his scalpel.
He comes back and says "Ok,I just need to do a couple of cuts here and there."
Then he tells her to stand up and asks "How's that?"
"Excellent,doctor! What did you do?"
He says "Oh,I just took a couple of inches off the top of your wellies
The doctor says "What can I do for you?"
The dwarf woman says "Doctor,every time it rains my fanni gets sore."
The doctor doesn't understand and asks her to explain.
So she says "I don't know what it is,but every time it's raining,my fanni f.cking kills me."
The doctor says "Well I'll tell you what,come back and see me when it's raining and I'll have a look."
A couple of days later it's pissing down and the dwarf woman's back at the doctors.
"Right," he says. "Hop on to the bench and I'll take a look at you."
So she gets on the bench and the doctor examines her.
Then he goes and gets his scalpel.
He comes back and says "Ok,I just need to do a couple of cuts here and there."
Then he tells her to stand up and asks "How's that?"
"Excellent,doctor! What did you do?"
He says "Oh,I just took a couple of inches off the top of your wellies
Check your canopy it’s a long way down
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied
"From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied
"From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
Check your canopy it’s a long way down
A doctor, an Lawyer and a biker were drinking at the bar.
'For her birthday,' said the doctor, taking a sip of white wine,
'I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. That way, if
She doesn't like the fur coat, she will still love me because she got a diamond ring'
For my wife's birthday I'm going to buy her a designer dress and
A gold bracelet,' said the Martini-sipping Lawyer. 'That way, if she
doesn't like the dress, she'll still love me because she got the gold bracelet'
'I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator,' said the
Biker as he wiped beer from his mouth. 'That way if she doesn't like the
t-shirt she can go f**k herself'!!!!.........
'For her birthday,' said the doctor, taking a sip of white wine,
'I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. That way, if
She doesn't like the fur coat, she will still love me because she got a diamond ring'
For my wife's birthday I'm going to buy her a designer dress and
A gold bracelet,' said the Martini-sipping Lawyer. 'That way, if she
doesn't like the dress, she'll still love me because she got the gold bracelet'
'I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator,' said the
Biker as he wiped beer from his mouth. 'That way if she doesn't like the
t-shirt she can go f**k herself'!!!!.........
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and then again I just sits" Punch 24th Oct 1906