I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the shit out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.
Not very funny
Not very funny
On a late summer day in 1939 two finnish friends decide to go for a weekend in Warzaw.
Once there they go out for gallons of vodka and a vigouring fight.
During the early morning hours Hitler and his crowd bomb the town to pieces.
Waking up late in their hotel room, one of them goes to the window, pulls the curtains, overloks the damage and turning to his friend says:
"Pekka, let's get out of here fast, I don't think we can ever pay this"
Once there they go out for gallons of vodka and a vigouring fight.
During the early morning hours Hitler and his crowd bomb the town to pieces.
Waking up late in their hotel room, one of them goes to the window, pulls the curtains, overloks the damage and turning to his friend says:
"Pekka, let's get out of here fast, I don't think we can ever pay this"
a fellow comes home from work,his wife asks could you mow the lawn love?sorry he says i,m no alan tichmarch.
well could you paint the bathroom? sorry love i,m no micheal angelo.
on returning home the next evening he notices the lawn mown and the bathroom painted,he asks who,s done those two jobs love?
oh she says peter up the road.
what did he want for doing them?
oh she says he either wanted a meal cooking or sex!
but as you know love she says..........i,m no delia smith!!!
well could you paint the bathroom? sorry love i,m no micheal angelo.
on returning home the next evening he notices the lawn mown and the bathroom painted,he asks who,s done those two jobs love?
oh she says peter up the road.
what did he want for doing them?
oh she says he either wanted a meal cooking or sex!
but as you know love she says..........i,m no delia smith!!!
Went around my brothers house to see his new baby boy, he asked me if I wanted to wind him, I thought, thats a bit harsh so I just gave him a dead leg.
Per Angusta In Augusta.
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-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. 'My Lord,' he said, picking it up: 'You're the saddest, most forlorn looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles.'
The frog replied, 'Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog.'
'Incredible!' said Father O'Malley. 'Is there anything I might do to help you?'
'Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal.'
'Well,' said Father O'Malley, 'the good Lord teaches us to be charitable.
I think I can manage that.'
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket.
That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...
The frog replied, 'Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog.'
'Incredible!' said Father O'Malley. 'Is there anything I might do to help you?'
'Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal.'
'Well,' said Father O'Malley, 'the good Lord teaches us to be charitable.
I think I can manage that.'
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket.
That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...
An man goes for a pint and in walks a black womens athletics squad.
He goes for a pee and when he comes back the barman tells him that one of the athletes has taken his pint, farted in it then sat down again.
So he goes over to their table and speaks to one of the athletes
"hey - you fart in my Whitbread ?'
"No' she replies "I'm Tessa Sanderson"
He goes for a pee and when he comes back the barman tells him that one of the athletes has taken his pint, farted in it then sat down again.
So he goes over to their table and speaks to one of the athletes
"hey - you fart in my Whitbread ?'
"No' she replies "I'm Tessa Sanderson"
-
Terry
- Suspended
- Posts: 3047
- Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2006 5:53 pm
- Location: At Hua Hin Fishing Lodge, Hin Lek Fai most of the time.......
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her
that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her
husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of
more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop.
She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked
about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!
I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"
the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her
that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her
husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of
more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop.
She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked
about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!
I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"
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(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
> medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't
> be the last....
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
>
>
> Whispering......
>
> Dave.......
>
>
>
>
> Dave........
>
>
>
>
>
> Dave........
>
>
>
>
>
> .........you're a vet Dave
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
> medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't
> be the last....
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
>
>
> Whispering......
>
> Dave.......
>
>
>
>
> Dave........
>
>
>
>
>
> Dave........
>
>
>
>
>
> .........you're a vet Dave
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> A True Scot
>
>
>
> A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to
> the chemist.
>
>
>
> The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
> bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also
> unfolds to reveal a condom.
>
>
>
> The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it
> critically.
>
>
>
> "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
>
>
>
> "Six pence," says the pharmacist.
>
>
>
> "How much for a new one?"
>
>
>
> "Ten pence," says the pharmacist.
>
>
>
> The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton
> bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the
> pharmacy, kilt swinging.
>
>
>
> A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up,
> followed by an even greater shout.
>
>
>
> The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the
> pharmacist.
>
>
>
> "The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says.
> "We'll have a new one."
>
>
>
> A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to
> the chemist.
>
>
>
> The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
> bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also
> unfolds to reveal a condom.
>
>
>
> The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it
> critically.
>
>
>
> "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
>
>
>
> "Six pence," says the pharmacist.
>
>
>
> "How much for a new one?"
>
>
>
> "Ten pence," says the pharmacist.
>
>
>
> The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton
> bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the
> pharmacy, kilt swinging.
>
>
>
> A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up,
> followed by an even greater shout.
>
>
>
> The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the
> pharmacist.
>
>
>
> "The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says.
> "We'll have a new one."
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as
> well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.
>
>
>
>
>
> She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day andsays, "So,
> Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration.
>
> "I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young
> as he used to be, and please my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about
> it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And
> a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so
> fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?" "Oh Mom" replies Susan,
> "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best
> designer in New York "
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't
> eat the fancy foods that you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry
> Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by t he best caterer in
> New York, kosher all the way.
> Please, Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom
> reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being
> sworn in as President of the United States.
In the front row sits the new
> president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.
"You see that woman over there
> with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?"
The Senator whispers back,
> "Yes, I do."
Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a
> doctor."
> well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.
>
>
>
>
>
> She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day andsays, "So,
> Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration.
>
> "I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young
> as he used to be, and please my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about
> it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And
> a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so
> fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?" "Oh Mom" replies Susan,
> "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best
> designer in New York "
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't
> eat the fancy foods that you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry
> Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by t he best caterer in
> New York, kosher all the way.
> Please, Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom
> reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being
> sworn in as President of the United States.
In the front row sits the new
> president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.
"You see that woman over there
> with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?"
The Senator whispers back,
> "Yes, I do."
Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a
> doctor."
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
>
> Three Holy Men and a Bear
>
> A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains
> to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They
> would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
> shop.
>
> One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
> really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
> One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
> would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
> attempt to convert it.
> seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
>
> Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
> various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said,
> "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I
> began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
> nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
> grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
> became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give
> him first communion and confirmation."
>
> Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
> both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
> In his
> best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW
> that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I
> began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
> nothing to do with me.
> So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
> hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I
> quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you
> said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
> We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
>
> The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was
> lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs
> and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
> The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may
> not have been the best way to start."
> Three Holy Men and a Bear
>
> A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains
> to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They
> would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
> shop.
>
> One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
> really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
> One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
> would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
> attempt to convert it.
> seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
>
> Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
> various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said,
> "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I
> began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
> nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
> grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
> became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give
> him first communion and confirmation."
>
> Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
> both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
> In his
> best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW
> that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I
> began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
> nothing to do with me.
> So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
> hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I
> quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you
> said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
> We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
>
> The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was
> lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs
> and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
> The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may
> not have been the best way to start."
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom."You Know
> what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started
> cussing".
The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm
> gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.
The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast,
He replies,"Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some
> Cheerios.
"WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles
> across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes
> out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
> She locks him in his room and shouts,"You can stay in there until I
> let you out."
She then comes back downstairs,
Looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>
>
>
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
> Cheerios.
> what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started
> cussing".
The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm
> gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.
The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast,
He replies,"Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some
> Cheerios.
"WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles
> across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes
> out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
> She locks him in his room and shouts,"You can stay in there until I
> let you out."
She then comes back downstairs,
Looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>
>
>
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
> Cheerios.