Best of British

[(buffalo) Bill]

>
>
> A dog is truly a man's best friend.
>
>
>
> If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
>
>
>
> Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
>
>
>
> When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?

[(buffalo) Bill]

> >>> GRANDMA IN COURT
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a
> question if they
> >>> aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a
> Southern small-town
> >>> prosecuting
> >>>
> >>> attorney called his first witness, a grand
> motherly, elderly woman to
> >>> the stand.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you
> know me?'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.
> Williams. I've known you
> >>>
> >>> since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've
> been a big
> >>> disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on
> your wife, and you
> >>> manipulate people and talk about them behind
> their backs. You think
> >>> you're a big shot when you
> >>>
> >>> haven't the brains to realize you never will
> amount to anything more
> >>> than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to
> do, he pointed
> > across
> >>> the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know
> the defense attorney?'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known
> Mr. Bradley since he
> > was
> >>> a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he
> has a drinking problem.
> > He
> >>>
> >>> can't build a normal relationship with anyone
> and his law practice is
> >>> one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
> mention he cheated on
> > his
> >>> wife
> >>>
> >>> with three different women. One of them was your
> wife. Yes, I know
> >>> him.'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The defense attorney almost died The judge asked
> both counselors to
> >>>
> >>> approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice,
> said,
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'If either of you f*cking idiots asks her if she
> knows me, I'll send
> >>> you to the electric chair.'

[(buffalo) Bill]

> On a very windy day, a rabbi was walking along when a strong gust of
> wind blew his hat off his head. The rabbi ran after the hat, but the
> wind was too strong. It kept blowing his hat further and further away.
> A non-Jewish young man, seeing what had happened, ran after the hat,
> caught it and gave it back to the rabbi. The rabbi was so grateful
> that he gave the young man 20 dollars and blessed him.
> The young man was so excited that he decided to go the race track and
> with the rabbi's blessing, he decided to check the program and place
> the entire 20 dollars on a horse. After the races he went home and
> recounted his very exciting day to his father.
> "I arrived at the fifth race and looked at the program. I saw this
> horse named 'Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to
> 1 but since I received the rabbi's blessing I bet the entire 20
> dollars on 'Top Hat' and guess what? He won!"
> "In the next race, there was a horse named 'Stetson'
> at 30 to 1 so I bet the entire amount of my winnings on him, and guess
> what ... I won again!"
> "So did you bring the money home?" asked his father.
> "No," said the son, "I lost it all on the last race.
> There was a horse named 'Chateau' that was a heavy favorite so I bet
> everything on him, and since 'Chateau' means 'hat' in French I figured
> he was a sure thing."
> "You fool!" said the father. "Hat in French is 'chapeau' not
> 'chateau!'" Exasperated, his father then asked, "So who won the race?"
> "A real long shot," said the son. "Some Japanese
> horse named 'Yarmulke'!"

[(buffalo) Bill]

> Subject: Hebrew Board of Directors
>
>
>
>
>
> Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were close friends since childhood. They
> decided they wanted to go into business together.
> Schwartz says: "OK! I'll invest $100,000."
> Cohen then says that he'll put in $200,000.
> Ginsburg says: "All right, I'll put in $50."
> Cohen says, "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO
> of the corporation. Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice
> President and CFO, and Ginsburg, for your $50 you will be our Sexual
> Adviser."
> Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, "What is the Sexual Adviser?"
> Cohen replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."

[(buffalo) Bill]

>
> A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom."You Know
> what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started
> cussing".

The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm
> gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.

The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast,


He replies,"Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some
> Cheerios.

"WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles
> across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes
> out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
> She locks him in his room and shouts,"You can stay in there until I
> let you out."

She then comes back downstairs,

Looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>
>
>
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
> Cheerios.

[(buffalo) Bill]

Three Holy Men and a Bear
>
> A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains
> to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They
> would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
> shop.
>
> One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
> really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
> One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
> would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
> attempt to convert it.
> seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
>
> Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
> various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said,
> "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I
> began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
> nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
> grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
> became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give
> him first communion and confirmation."
>
> Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
> both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
> In his
> best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW
> that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I
> began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
> nothing to do with me.
> So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
> hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I
> quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you
> said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
> We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
>
> The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was
> lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs
> and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
> The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may
> not have been the best way to start."

[(buffalo) Bill]

>
> The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as
> well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.
>
>
>
>
>
> She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day andsays, "So,
> Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration.
>
> "I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young
> as he used to be, and please my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about
> it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And
> a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so
> fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?" "Oh Mom" replies Susan,
> "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best
> designer in New York "

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't
> eat the fancy foods that you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry
> Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by t he best caterer in
> New York, kosher all the way.
> Please, Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom
> reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being
> sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new
> president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

"You see that woman over there
> with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?"


The Senator whispers back,
> "Yes, I do."

Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a
> doctor."

[(buffalo) Bill]

>
> A True Scot
>
>
>
> A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to
> the chemist.
>
>
>
> The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
> bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also
> unfolds to reveal a condom.
>
>
>
> The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it
> critically.
>
>
>
> "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
>
>
>
> "Six pence," says the pharmacist.
>
>
>
> "How much for a new one?"
>
>
>
> "Ten pence," says the pharmacist.
>
>
>
> The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton
> bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the
> pharmacy, kilt swinging.
>
>
>
> A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up,
> followed by an even greater shout.
>
>
>
> The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the
> pharmacist.
>
>
>
> "The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says.
> "We'll have a new one."

[(buffalo) Bill]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over... and the masochist said: "Meow."

[Big Boy]

A woman asked her Husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something." A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry."




Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[(buffalo) Bill]

>
> Golf Chuckle !! Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched
> in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing
> the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his
> hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
> around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
> began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist
> and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
> "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
> replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
> clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
> finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
> them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She
> administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
> asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great,
> but I still think my thumb's broken."

[Big Boy]

Anagrams

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE
When you rearrange the letters:
FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[Big Boy]

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a lady sitting by herself:

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they spread ."

[Big Boy]

PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT---SENIOR STYLE

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: Put me down for Fridays

[Big Boy]

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in; She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'