Best of British

[Big Boy]

True Story

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.







Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

“Defrost the chicken.”

[Big Boy]

The owners of the house near Biggin Hill that was destroyed by a plane last weekend have issued a statement.

Next time we go on holiday, we will turn the landing light off

[Big Boy]

A little boy walks into his parents room and sees his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The parents stop and his mum quickly dismounts and pulls the covers around her.

"What were you and dad doing?" the boy asks his mum.

"Well your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to flatten it" she explains.

"You're wasting your time" says the boy. "When you go shopping, the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!"

[Big Boy]

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai . He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'

'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man,' He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit'

[Big Boy]

Heart Surgeon's Funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, 'Why are you laughing, Mister?'

'I was just thinking about my own funeral,' the man replied. 'I'm a gynaecologist ...........'

[Big Boy]

A lesbian goes to the Dr for a smear.

The Dr says, "That's the cleanest fanny I've ever seen"

"Thanks" the lesbian says, "I have a woman in twice a week!"

[Big Boy]

A blonde woman takes her car to be repaired, fearing an expensive bill.

The mechanic fixes it in 2 minutes. "Nothing serious love, just shit in the air filter."

She replies, "Brilliant, how often do I have to do that?"

[dtaai-maai]

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah! We can take an @rsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours...'

[dtaai-maai]

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[Big Boy]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breath-analyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy!!"

[Big Boy]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Big Boy]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

[Big Boy]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'










The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[Big Boy]

*How do you turn a fox into an elephant? *
*Marry it ! *

*What is the difference between a battery and a woman? *
*A battery has a positive side. *

*How are fat girls and mopeds alike? *
*They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. *

*How is a woman like a condom? *
*Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. *

*What should you give a woman who has everything? *
*A man to show her how to work it. *

*Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
*Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. *

*How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? *
*Put a nipple on it. *

*Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? *
*Because they don't have balls to scratch. *

*Why did God create woman ? *
*To carry semen from the bedroom to the bathroom. *

*Why do women fake orgasms ? *
*Because they think men care. *

*What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? *
*Nothing, she's been told twice already. *

*If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? *
*Made her chain too long *

*How many men does it take to open a beer? *
*None. It should be opened when she brings it. *

*Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? *
*Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. *

*Why do women have smaller feet than men? *
*It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. *

*How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? *
*When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' *

*How do you fix a woman's watch? *
*You don't. There is a clock on the oven. *

*Why do men pass gas more than women? *
*Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. *

*If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? *
*The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. *

*What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? *
*A woman who won't do what she's told *

*I married a Miss Right. *
*I just didn't know her first name was Always. *

*Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. *
*It's called a Wedding Cake. *

*Why do men die before their wives? *
*They want to. *

*Women will never be equal to men... *
*until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. *

*In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. *
*Then God created Man and rested. *
*Then God created Woman.*
*Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.*

[Big Boy]

I was testing the children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big Jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden , and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A six-year-old Glasgow boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTAE BE F#CKN' DEED!!