Best of British

[Big Boy]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.

'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!'

He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer

And Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: 'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!'

[Big Boy]

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a big town lawyer, the lawyer asked "How can I help you ?"

The farmer said " I wants one of them there day-vorces"

The lawyer said "Do you have any grounds?"

"Yup, I got forty acres"

The lawyer said" No, no, you don't understand" "Do you have a suit"

Yup, got a real fine one that'n I wears for church on Sundays"

The lawyer replied " No, no do you have a case?"

"Nope, don't have no Case but I got a John Deere"

Again the lawyer tried to find another way "Do you have a grudge?"

" Sure I got a grudge, that'w where I keeps the John Deere"

The lawyer then asked "Does you wife beat you up or something"

"Nope, we both gets up at four thirty"

By now the lawyer was nearly at his wits end so he said "Is your wife a nagger?"

The farmer said " Nope, she's alittle white gal, but our last baby was a nagger, an that's why I wants a day vorce!"

[Big Boy]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10-metre board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, underwater, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No", she said, "I was a prostitute in Gosport and I worked both sides of the harbour "

[lindosfan1]

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.


ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.


BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.


CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.


CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.


DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.


EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.


INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.


RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.


SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.


SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.


TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.



TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.


YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.


and MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
similar to my character lines.

[The understudy]

Hi there Y'all

2 Birtish Sports Journalists talking to each other before The big Boxing Match @ Millenium Dome in London!

"Hey lad do you want to meet Don King the Box Promoter?" his colleague replies:"To study his Hair Yeah sure! Gravity defiant doesn't even begin to describe it!!!

Your's The understudy

[lindosfan1]

A man is in bed with his girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"

She replies: "Because I really miss mine".

[Big Boy]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice, stilettos and a mask over their eyes

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend:

'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 5 inch stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long


The mistress:

Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... He did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night


The married one:

'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:



'Hey up Batman, what's for dinner?'

[Big Boy]

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[Big Boy]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted:

"Excuse me, can you help me ? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 Degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my friggin' fault!

[Big Boy]

David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

Becks asks her suspiciously 'What are you doing?'

Posh stutters a reply 'I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack'

'Oh no' he cries in despair. 'I'll call an ambulance'.

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialling 999.

However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn. 'What's the matter, son?' asks Becks.

'Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy' sniffles Brooklyn.

Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door. Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers.

'You w@nker Giggsy' screams Becks. 'My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the sh!t out of Brooklyn.'

[Big Boy]

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: 'I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen'.

The surprised salesman replies: - 'But madam, computers do not have curtains.

And the blonde said: - 'Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

[Big Boy]

Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. 'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says.

'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.

'No' she replies 'This time it's mayonnaise.'

[Big Boy]

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'

She says 'I'll take the red one.'

The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'

[Big Boy]

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted:

"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up he letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad." Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!

[Korkenzieher]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriott Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis team. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'