Best of erm... well... Australia!

[dtaai-maai]

Couldn't really put this in Best of British, now could I?

An Australian, a New Zealander and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,' he says.

The New Zealander, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'Wull mate, in Nyer Zullund we hev so much send to make the glesses that we don't need to drink out the same gless either,' he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the New Zealander.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,

'In Strailya, mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.'

[dtaai-maai]

Oops, Mod, please remove the extra 'i' from the title!

[Big Boy]

dtaai-maai wrote:

Couldn't really put this in Best of British, now could I?

Not really, I put it there months ago

Never mind, most of my jokes come to me via Aus, so I'm sure I'll be able to help you populate this thread

[dtaai-maai]

Still, I don't suppose it's the first joke to appear more than once on this forum!

[Big Boy]

No worries, I've probably duplicated a few myself

[lindosfan1]

In the news today this is funny
Police in the Australian city of Brisbane were left stranded and embarrassed after a handcuffed suspect drove off in their patrol car.

The two officers had arrested 29-year-old Mark Robert Nolan in connection with a series of burglaries.

They put him in their unmarked vehicle and went round the back to look for some further evidence.

Mr Nolan waited until they had gone, climbed into the driver's seat, started the engine and drove off.

Queensland Police Deputy Commissioner Ian Stewart said that the two officers had been investigating the contents of a bag in Mr Nolan's possession.

"During that time, it appears Nolan has got into the front of the police car and turned the police car on and driven off," he said.

Mr Nolan had been handcuffed with his hands in front of his body, he said.

The car was later found but Mr Nolan was nowhere to be seen.

Queensland police promised a "thorough investigation" into what happened.

[Big Boy]

A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute andis wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ...303 Rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'




'... You there Boss?

[Big Boy]

Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of Golfers In front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last Year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they fu*king play at night ?'

[Big Boy]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic)

'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'

[Big Boy]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcombing Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

'Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey' said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

'No way doc' replied Wiremu 'I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!'

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: 'Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey'

'What's the cure thin doc?' asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

'Wull, Wiremu', said the Kiwi doctor 'Wi're gonna huv to cut off your Balls.'

'Phew, thunk god for thut!' said Wiremu, 'those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!'

[robby hh]

An Ozzie bloke from an outback station was in Seednee for a week holiday and met a gorgeous sheila and took her to a flash restaraunt for a feed.

The waiter gave them both a menue and the sheila ordered chicken breast and the bloke said same for me. after they had eaten the sheila went to the loo and the bloke had a look through the menue while he was waiting, when he saw the price of chicken breasts he called the waiter over and asked why they were so expensive, said he could buy 2 chooks for that price.

The waiter explained that to get 2 chicken breasts they had to kill 2 chickens. Ok fair enough said the bloke.

When the sheila returned the waiter asked if she would like a cocktail Oh yes she said that would be nice I will have a horses neck. and you sir said the waiter?

The bloke motioned him closer and whispered in his ear. Just give me a slice off the arse I wouldnt want you to have to kill two horses.

[Big Boy]

A long haired Aborigine walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up his dole cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'

The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir..' 'We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year. '

The Aborigine plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshitin' me!

The Centrelink worker replied, ' Yeah, well. you fucken started it.'

[Big Boy]

Bruce, the Australian millionaire was having a BBQ around his swimming pool. All of his mates were there; plus Abdul the local shopkeeper. After a few beers, Bruce shows them his 15 foot croc, which he keeps in the pool.

He bets his mates a million dollars to anyone who could beat the croc in a fight.

Abdul dives in wrestling, biting, gouging the lot. Eventually, the croc is dead.

Abdul climbs out of the pool, covered scratched and bruises. Bruce says, "Wow, I owe you a million dollars!"

"Don't want it," said Abdul."

"A car then, and a Rolex watch?" asks Bruce.

"No," says Abdul.

"Well, what do you want?" says Bruce.

"I want the git that pushed me in," exclaimed Abdul.

[Big Boy]

Two Australian businessmen in Sydney were sitting down for a break, in their soon-to be, new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Kiwi walked to the window, had a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asked 'What are you selling here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling Dick heads.'

Without skipping a beat, the Kiwi said, 'You are doing well .... Only two left!'

Australians God bless them - should not mess with New Zealanders.