A GUY AND A GIRL MEET AT A BAR. THEY GET ALONG SO WELL THAT THEY DECIDE TO GO TO THE GIRL'S PLACE.
A FEW DRINKS LATER, THE GUY TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT AND THEN WASHES HIS HANDS. HE THEN TAKES OFF HIS TROUSERS AND WASHES HIS HANDS AGAIN.
THE GIRL HAS BEEN WATCHING HIM AND SAYS, "YOU MUST BE A DENTIST."
THE GUY, SURPRISED, SAYS, "YES, HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT?"
"EASY", SHE REPLIED, "YOU KEEP WASHING YOUR HANDS."
ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER, AND THEY MAKE LOVE. AFTER THEY ARE DONE,
THE GIRL SAYS, "YOU MUST BE A GOOD DENTIST."
THE GUY, NOW WITH A BOOSTED EGO, SAYS, "SURE, I AM A GOOD DENTIST.
HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT? " THE GIRL REPLIES...
"DIDN'T FEEL A THING."
Best of British
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
................
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
.................
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
......................................
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suit case at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
...............
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
.........................................
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?'
'Because she can still drive!'
.........................................................
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
........................................
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
...........................................
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
......
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
................
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
.................
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
......................................
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suit case at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
...............
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
.........................................
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?'
'Because she can still drive!'
.........................................................
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
........................................
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
...........................................
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
......
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's "Work for the Dole" scheme and employ Liverpudlians.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment where as Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.
This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However... Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first practice session, not only were the Liverpudlian Pit Crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the MacLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment where as Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.
This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However... Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first practice session, not only were the Liverpudlian Pit Crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the MacLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
dtaai-maai
- Hero
- Posts: 14924
- Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2007 10:00 pm
- Location: UK, Robin Hood country
Father O'Malley was walking down the road when he saw a frog. Being rather Franciscan by temperament he bent down to have a look. The frog looked up rather forlornly and Father O'Malley was keen to know why. So he stretched out a hand for the frog to jump onto.
The frog leapt on to his hand and Father O'Malley was amazed to discover the frog was crying and trying to tell him something. He held the frog up to his ear and listened:
"Oh please help me," said the frog, "I may look like a little frog but I'm not. In fact I'm an 11 year old member of your own choir who was turned into a frog by some witches as he walked home. The witches told me that were somebody to take me home and give me food and shelter, the curse would be lifted."
Father O'Malley, overcome with compassion, put the frog in one of his pockets and took it home with him. He fed it, bathed it, and tucked it up in his own bed so as to keep it warm. Lo and behold, the following morning he woke to find, instead of the frog, an 11 year old boy from his own choir inbed beside him
That, M'lud, concludes the case for the defence.
The frog leapt on to his hand and Father O'Malley was amazed to discover the frog was crying and trying to tell him something. He held the frog up to his ear and listened:
"Oh please help me," said the frog, "I may look like a little frog but I'm not. In fact I'm an 11 year old member of your own choir who was turned into a frog by some witches as he walked home. The witches told me that were somebody to take me home and give me food and shelter, the curse would be lifted."
Father O'Malley, overcome with compassion, put the frog in one of his pockets and took it home with him. He fed it, bathed it, and tucked it up in his own bed so as to keep it warm. Lo and behold, the following morning he woke to find, instead of the frog, an 11 year old boy from his own choir inbed beside him
That, M'lud, concludes the case for the defence.
This is the way
Jock takes his wife to casualty. She's no teeth, a broken nose & two Black eyes. Dr says "what happened here....?"
Jock says "She was going thru the change."
Dr says "That doesn't happen going through the change."
Jock replies "It does when it's in my pocket .....!!
Jock says "She was going thru the change."
Dr says "That doesn't happen going through the change."
Jock replies "It does when it's in my pocket .....!!
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
lindosfan1
- Deceased
- Posts: 4069
- Joined: Wed Mar 05, 2008 1:26 pm
- Location: uk
irish joke
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was
questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm > fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was > driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told > the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and > said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his > favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had st loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and I didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at > me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you say?
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was
questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm > fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was > driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told > the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and > said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his > favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had st loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and I didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at > me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you say?
Woke up this morning breathing that's a good start to the day.
Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a head ache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! ........ THEY WANT TO!!
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a head ache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! ........ THEY WANT TO!!
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
sandman67
- Rock Star
- Posts: 4398
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2007 6:11 pm
- Location: I thought you had the map?
Man sits at a table in a restaurant, opens the menu, and starts to read.
Up walks the waiter...."And what can I get sir today"
"Id like the rump steak with chips, peas and broccoli please."
"certainly sir...although Im afraid today the broccoli is off"
"Ah in that case Ill have the fish, with chips peas and broccoli"
The waiter pauses...looks at the man. "But sir, I just told you that the broccoli is off today"
"Ah ok" says the man...."In that case bring me the lamb, with potatoes, peas and broccoli".
The waiter pauses again....
"Sir....could you spell pain as in Spain"
"P A I N"
"Good sir...now could you spell grim as in Grimsby"
"yes....G R I M".
"Excellent sir....now spell fuck as in broccoli"
"But theres no fuck in broccoli"
"Thats what I have been telling you sir".
Up walks the waiter...."And what can I get sir today"
"Id like the rump steak with chips, peas and broccoli please."
"certainly sir...although Im afraid today the broccoli is off"
"Ah in that case Ill have the fish, with chips peas and broccoli"
The waiter pauses...looks at the man. "But sir, I just told you that the broccoli is off today"
"Ah ok" says the man...."In that case bring me the lamb, with potatoes, peas and broccoli".
The waiter pauses again....
"Sir....could you spell pain as in Spain"
"P A I N"
"Good sir...now could you spell grim as in Grimsby"
"yes....G R I M".
"Excellent sir....now spell fuck as in broccoli"
"But theres no fuck in broccoli"
"Thats what I have been telling you sir".
"Science flew men to the moon. Religion flew men into buildings."
"To sin by silence makes cowards of men."
"To sin by silence makes cowards of men."
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his stretch limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
He asked one of the men, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have no choice. We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree'
'Bring them along' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.'
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
He asked one of the men, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have no choice. We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree'
'Bring them along' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
True story...
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The Amrican Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State.
She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed 'YES,' for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her 'red sisters and brothers'.
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
HOW!
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The Amrican Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State.
She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed 'YES,' for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her 'red sisters and brothers'.
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
HOW!
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !'
And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, ' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!!
And the husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days !
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ' Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !'
And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, ' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!!
And the husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days !
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ' Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A Paki goes to the doctor because he just simply doesn't feel good. He's tired, his stomach is upset, he has a headache. Just feels terrible.The doctor checks him over and can't find any medical reason for him to feel the way he does.
He offers a Naturotherepy approach that he has seen work before.
The Paki man is stunned, through, that the treatment means he has to go home, shit and piss into a plastic bag and leave it in his basement for a week.
"Trust me," the doctor says, "I have seen this work."
The man goes home and follows through on the instructions. Within a day, though his house smells terrible and by the end of the week, it is an overwhelming stench. His eyes water every time he walks in the door, but he feels no better. He calls to yell at the doctor who calmly says, "Go down and take three big deep breaths directly from the bag and you will be cured."
"You're crazy!" comes the reply. "Trust me." says the doctor.Down he goes into the basement and he takes the first breath.Gagging and choking, he does it again. Then, on the third breath, he feels the headache leave.
His stomach settles and he feels amazingly well.The stench is even tolerable. He calls the doctor to tell him the good news. "I told you I've seen this work with people from Pakistan before, "says the doctor. "You were just homesick!"
He offers a Naturotherepy approach that he has seen work before.
The Paki man is stunned, through, that the treatment means he has to go home, shit and piss into a plastic bag and leave it in his basement for a week.
"Trust me," the doctor says, "I have seen this work."
The man goes home and follows through on the instructions. Within a day, though his house smells terrible and by the end of the week, it is an overwhelming stench. His eyes water every time he walks in the door, but he feels no better. He calls to yell at the doctor who calmly says, "Go down and take three big deep breaths directly from the bag and you will be cured."
"You're crazy!" comes the reply. "Trust me." says the doctor.Down he goes into the basement and he takes the first breath.Gagging and choking, he does it again. Then, on the third breath, he feels the headache leave.
His stomach settles and he feels amazingly well.The stench is even tolerable. He calls the doctor to tell him the good news. "I told you I've seen this work with people from Pakistan before, "says the doctor. "You were just homesick!"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
" Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. Each one tried his best not to puke.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
" Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. Each one tried his best not to puke.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED