The Best of Irish

[red dwarf]

As Aer Fungus flight 235 approached Dulles International Airport number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!


CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!


PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!


CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!


PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down all da way !!


CO-PILOT - Royt, I'! ll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy
Mudder a Gad !!!


CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

Soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,
puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the
Holy Mother with all his soul.


The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed, and there was smoke
everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of
all, Paddy and Shamus, who by now had done someting very childish and was smelling quite bad, the aircraft came to stop but a few meters from
the end of the runway!!!


As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy

looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de
shartist fo0kin runway in de wor! ld!"


Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how feckin wide it is?

[red dwarf]

Suicide loser



A Irish man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.



The librarian says; "fook arff, you warn't bring it back."

[Guess]

Most people know the story of how Lorena Bobbit cut off her husbands block and tackle over an alleged indiscretion with another lady.

What many do not know is how she disposed of the offending three piece suite.

Lorena placed it onto the passenger seat of her car and headed for the local freeway.

When there were not too many witnesses around she lobbed it out of the side window.

Two Irishman were in a car travelling in the opposite direction.

The tackle landed on their windscreen.

Paddy says to Mick "Jaysuz Michael, will the look at the soize of the dick on that floy"

[lomuamart]

Must have been a slow night, Guess.
That wasn't up to your normal standard.

[Guess]

An American and an Englishman meet up in a bar in Dublin and get chatting to a the landlord. The landlords tells them that it is happy hour and they will get every fourth pint free.

The Englishman says "Thats not so good. In my home town Happy Hour means you you get one pint free for every pint bought."

The American says "That's nothing. In my hometown in Kentucky there is a bar where Happy Hour means you can drink as much as you like and then you get to have sex with at least three different partners"

The landlord, not believing the story, turns to the American and says "Have you actually been to this bar yourself then?"

The Amercian says "No, but my sister goes every day."

[dr dave soul monsta]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When

he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The

bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would

taste better if you bought one at a time."



The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in

America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank

together."



The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The

Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he

orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of

them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other

regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.



When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I

don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences

on your great loss."



The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and

he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine.







It's me......




I've quit drinking!"

[bozzman101]

paddy irish man paddy english man paddy scoth man

all at the sea side in hua hin ......lol

sitting on a rock is a beatifull mermaid

paddy english man goes over to her says mermaid have you ever been kissed no she says
so he grabs her kisses the mouth off her

then p[addy scothman goes over says hi mermaid have you ever had your titties pulled
no she says so he pulls the tits off here for ages

then paddy irish man goes over

says mermaid have you ever been f***ed

no says she

well you are now says paddy the tide has gone out

[lfc3acmilan3]

what does it say on the bottom of an irish milk bottle?

"open at other end!"

[dr dave soul monsta]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with backside problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 Note appears.

"This is amazing!!!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another etc.... finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Doctor, tank ya koindly, dat's much batter, how much is dare den?."

The Doctor counts the pile of cash.

"£1,990 exactly".

wait for it..........................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Ah, dat'll be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand. "

[GLCQuantum]

Two lil leprechauns went off to St Mary's convent and begged to see the Mother Superior. " Well how can I help you little folk?" asked the Mother Superior.
The larger and more intelligent of the looking of the leprechauns asked "well Mother Superior would you be knowing any midget nuns here at the convent ?"

"Afraid not" replies mother superior, "there are no midget nuns here"

"Alright then, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?"

"Well no" replied Mother Superior "none that I know of".

"Well what about the whole world of nuns. Know any midget nuns?"

"No I don't, there are NO midget nuns in the whole of the world" says Mother Superior "What is this all about?"

The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and says............


" Well, I told you so...... you've been dating a penguin"

[bozzman101]

hi dave were they english notes up the paddys arse???

as you have denoted the pound sign ...lol

in the current market he would have a lot more than 2 grand ....lols



easy to forget euro now!!!

2961 today on x com

[Mack111]

AN IRISHMAN GOES FOR A JOB AT A BLACKSMITH



THE BLACKSMITH ASKS HIM



"HAVE YOU ANY EXPERIENCE OF SHOEING HORSES



"NO" REPLIES THE IRISHMAN "BUT I ONCE TOLD A DONKEY TO F*** OFF"

[higgy]

Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
Foreman says "can you brew tea"?
"Certainly" says the Irishman.
"Can you drive a fork lift truck"?
Irishman says "why.....how big is the tea pot"?

[bozzman101]

whers the forum for english jokes??
french welsh scottish islamic carefull here as they own the right to be offended by anything.....lol any jews out ther germans?

a few four sprung durk tenic jokes mabey??

keep it up lad good humor is goo fun
no matter where you hail from

[Big Boy]

whers the forum for english jokes??
french welsh scottish islamic carefull here as they own the right to be offended by anything.....lol any jews out ther germans?

a few four sprung durk tenic jokes mabey??

keep it up lad good humor is goo fun
no matter where you hail from

Here http://www.huahinafterdark.com/forum/vi ... php?t=1326