A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out
onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
"You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next
to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come
and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the
fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thingee
through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes!'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the
way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".
.........................................................................................
Twin sisters in a Nursing Home were turning 100 years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could
hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit
on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, 'WHAT DID
HE SAY?'
'WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!’ said the other.
'Now get a little closer together,' said the cameraman.
Again, 'WHAT DID HE SAY?
'HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.'
So they wiggled up close to each other.
'Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little
said the photographer.
Yet again, 'WHAT DID HE SAY?'
'HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!'
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, 'OH MY GOD -
BOTH OF US?'