The Gym
Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape from playing college football 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made a reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda. Belinda identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress......
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess-with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse and after only five minutes on the treadmill she was alarmed that my pulse was so fast. I attribute this to standing so close to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class. Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee and finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.
Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed and her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which sank.
Friday:
I hate that b*tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude)
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank G * D that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the sadist) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vas*ctomy.
