Glasgow humour

[big jimmy]

Strathclyde Police have just released the names of the two suspected terrorists........they are Majeeps Burnt and Singed Maheed...both men said their intent was to celebrate Ramavan......

[big jimmy]

The failed terrorist wakes up in hospital and is astonished that he is not in heaven.... He looks at the nurse and says " but I was promised 72 virgins ".....the nurse looks back at him and says " well why the f##k did you come to Glasgow then ? ".

[Ken]

If this had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow Eyewitness accounts.

America:"Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, i just ran for my life. I thought i was gonna die, he got so close to me"

Glasgow "Bawbag wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him"


America:" I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow:" here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!"


America:" there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didn't know what was happening thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow:"F*ck this fir a kerry oan, moan we ll get a pint in"


America:" We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life"

Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws"


America: there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow:" There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that"


America:" I'm too traumatized even to speak, I thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"


& finally, two quotes from an eye-witness......... John Smeaton (these are real)

John just surpassed himself on the National ITV news. The interviewer asked "What message do you have for the bombers" - he replied "This is Glasgow we'll just set about you"

John did an interview on CNN and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "me and other folk were just tryin to get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him" !

[DawnHRD]

Ken, ROFLMAO!!!!

[STEVE G]

Humour like that is the reason why terrorism will never achieve anything in the UK. The damage caused is insignificant on a national level and the aim of the terrorist is, by definition, to terrify the population into submission. As long as people refuse to be cowered, terrorism will achieve nothing and they are obviously wasting their time in Glasgow!

[K2OWN]

Hello Ken,

I too am originally from Glasgow and also thought that Jon Smeaton was

PURE DEAD BRILLIANT SO HE WIS [/b]

[Big Boy]

Liverpool Airport has just been closed. They have found a suspicious car.




It's got Tax and a radio.

[2dandan]

'Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say
A fanatic muslim bast@rd
Wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed.

A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht "a wumman driver"
Or at least someone half-pissed
But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda's band

The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel' on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH his clear desire
Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied tae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Required tae save the day.

Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's nae wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae F***

[K2OWN]

To 2 DanDan

I was really fed up and missing Huahin ,then I read your posting and it really cheered me up.

[STEVE G]

On a news site article about members of the public joining in to attack the Glasgow Airport bombers, somebody had posted this comment:
"It would take more than Al Queda to get between about 1000 Glaswegians and a 99 pound holiday in Ibiza!"

[Big Boy]

Not been able to view this myself yet (fun police at work), but I've been told its worthwhile.

http://www.johnsmeaton.com/

[Big Boy]

As thousands of Glaswegians queued, moaned and sneakily sipped Buckfast on a rainy Saturday afternoon, one man stood vigilant outside the airport terminal. Baggage supervisor, hero, smoker. John Smeaton.

Little did he know, as he happily dragged on his fag, that two crazed al-Qaeda operatives were preparing to meet their maker. But they didn’t meet their maker. Instead they met BAA’s answer to Jack Bauer.

As the Jeep’s engine revved and the passenger started chucking the petrol containers out the windows like he was Santa in Shettleston, one man stepped in to help The Law take control.

Those hapless al-Qaeda boys were to find out that Glasgow has no respect for international terrorism. Nobody gets between 10,000 Weegies and a £99 week in Ibiza booked on Thursday night through Barrhead Travel.

And most of all, no-one messes with The Polis. Not in this town.

John Smeaton doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants

Anthropologists are studying John Smeaton to try to find the origins of the lack of “flightâ€

[Thai Tam]

2 Dan Dan,


Absolutely brilliant!

Good article in yesterday's Gaurdain by Ian Jack.


All the best,

Tam

[2dandan]

I would like to take the credit for it but unfortunately I did not write it.

It is anon.

[Big Boy]

Here it is from the Terrorist's perspective http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/20 ... -go-s.html