Following an IT software error, official jokes included in millions of Christmas crackers were unintentionally made funny. Instead of eliciting a groan and a chorus of "the old ones are the best" there is a risk that these jokes will cause outbursts of laughter which could be dangerous to older people while eating.
The Department for Culture has issued a warning to anyone who bought a box of 12 crackers from a government-appointed agency in the past six months. Any joke that begins with the words "Why did Hazel Blears…" should be destroyed immediately and not continued with for fear of unrestrained hilarity.
It is permissible to recite the one about Ed Miliband and Ed Balls being proof that two Eds are not better than one. Great care should be shown, however, with any comparative references to Mr Balls and Willie Whitelaw.
Despite legislation limiting the height of elves to under four feet, Santa Claus has been sent dozens of taller helpers, all of whom had been cleared to work by the Government's own Elf Licensing Agency. Some of five feet or more had even been sent to guard Santa's sleigh.
The agency said it only had a statutory duty to establish whether an elf was able to withstand the cold in Lapland and not to make judgments about size, which could, in any case, be contrary to the European Convention on Non-Human Heights (Article 12).
However, Andrew Lansley, the shadow elf secretary, said this was preposterous. "The Government is in breach of its own legislation. What is the point of introducing a licensing regime which is then so casually implemented? The big question is: Did Gordon Brown know and if not, why not?"
White Christmas forecast blunder: Des Browne, the Defence and Scottish Secretary who is also Minister for the Weather, faced resignation calls last night after revealing internal Met Office predictions for snow on Christmas Day. He was overheard at a Whitehall party telling a government official that it could be a white Christmas this year; or then again, it could be mild and wet.
This information is usually known only to a handful of weathermen and is kept a closely guarded secret until just a few hours before Christmas Day by which time it is possible to look out of the window and see what is actually happening.
"We don't want anyone being told in advance what the weather will actually be like on Christmas Day because it makes us look stupid if we get it wrong," said a Met Office source.
"For Des Browne to reveal that we think it could snow or it could be mild and wet was disgraceful. Anyone hearing that would think we haven't a clue"
Gordon Brown is facing fresh embarrassment over reports that he received "significant" sums of chocolate money without disclosing the donation to the Electoral Commission.
His officials claimed that the money was left in a stocking by his fireplace at Chequers by a large man wearing a red coat and sporting a long white beard.
"Does he really expect anyone to believe such a cock and bull story?" said David Cameron. "These donations are meant to be transparent. How do we know favours aren't being given to this mystery benefactor?"
Whitehall sources said other members of the Cabinet were anticipating unsolicited and anonymous deliveries of chocolate money to their homes tonight.
Merry Christmas.