Bowel Movements - Firm, soft, sloppy or liquid?

VincentD · Post by **VincentD** » Mon May 22, 2006 1:16 pm

Hahaha...

It took me five minutes to stop laughing.

Looks like somebody over at nanaplaza_dot_com got a similar thread started...

http://nb.nanaplaza.com//showflat.php?C ... o=&fpart=1

Post by **Big Boy** » Mon May 22, 2006 6:31 pm

Jockey,

Excellent posting..............thorougly enjoyed it.

Post by **Guess** » Tue May 23, 2006 3:37 am

What has been at the back of my mind throughout this interesting and varied topic on consistency is whether or not temparature of the air that the turd has been emitted into has any bearing.

May be someone from Sweden or Finland, where I believe the temperatures are -30 most of the year, would like to comment. Perhaps it is possible for one to freeze solid. Here in Thailand the reverse may apply where it starts to melt immediately after exposure to the atmosphere.

If you get cought short in the jungles of Lapland is there an audible "crack" (no pun intended) as the projectile collides with the rock hard frozen earth and secondly does it then become preserved for eternity for future scientists to discover.

I hope I am not drifting off topic on this but a few answers would enable me to sleep more easily.

BTW Jockey, Aberdeen is just outside the Arctic Circle so probably would not qualify as a suitable area for study.

Post by **HansMartin** » Tue May 23, 2006 5:16 am

The bigger problem is frostbitten buns or other parts. I wouldn't want any of my parts hanging out in -30!!!

Post by **Jockey** » Tue May 23, 2006 12:26 pm

HansMartin wrote:The bigger problem is frostbitten buns or other parts. I wouldn't want any of my parts hanging out in -30!!!

Actually scientists from lapland have recently discovered that cronic cases of hemorrhoid piles can be cured by exposure to sub-temperature conditions. I believe the suggested method for removal is to find yourself a deserted spot in arctic conditions. You will have delayed your stool for some considerable time, thereby causing constipation (see previous post for more info). Bare your ass to the prevailing south wind and by the time it takes for your reluctant stool to 'give birth' so-to-speak, your hemorrhoids will be transformed into frozen icecles and will be easily removed (snapped off), by the oncoming giant hardened turd. It is said this was first discovered during Shackleton's great Arctic expedition of 1908, but the information was lost and forgotten over time.

Post by **Kraka's Dad** » Tue May 23, 2006 1:58 pm

OUCH !!

Post by **Guess** » Tue May 23, 2006 2:42 pm

I think Hans has a point here. Frozen icicles is one thing but frozen testicles quite another story.

I have seen, in Northern Countries, the sale of Willy Warmers. I never could understand whether or not these were sipposed to be a joke. They would certainly cater well for the third part of the three peice suite to get some protection against the sub zero temperatures.

Are their any Eskimos out there who can keep us better informed?

Post by **caller** » Wed May 24, 2006 5:27 pm

Guess wrote:
caller wrote: Jockey - its because of Jaimes enlightening subject that I'm well prepared with every medicine God could imagine, just in case, mind.

More to follow!
Perhaps then you could enlighten us with your experience of consistency in the backwater places that you have just visited. On the appropriate topic of course.

Well, here goes! I haven't time to read all the enlightened updates since I left the UK, so please excuse me if I am repeating anything!!!

So how did I fare? Pretty well actually and nothing much to report really.

I have to say that I think Jaime is spoilt if he had a hose to use in the bathroom, everything else was pretty much as described, except for picking up the water from the trough in plastic cups to pour over you. I have to say that it is quite an art to swat mozzies whilst perched over the hole using the other hand for support!!! I did get one bite just a little bit too close for comfort to my wedding tackle! Anyway, I digress.

So what do I have to report in the quest for knoweldge? The usual clamming up of all bowel movment for a couple of days after the flight, followed by a return to normality.

So we got to the village and I had a really nice, very hot minced pork dish and that was it. I think something inside my body, or maybe the warnings on this thread made me clam up, but I got through the first and wedding day without the need to recourse to the latrine for rear end exertions.

However, the next morning, nature tooks it course and a fairly sludgy consistency emerged, most definitely no stools! No farting scares to report.

The morning we left I was happy to decline the offer of whole fried frogs for brekky and headed south. Strangely, no action to report that day or until about 16.00 yesterday.

Then it came - a huge urge to use the loo and whilst luckily in the bungalow, why is someone else already in there at these moments? I was getting quite worried, I almost burst in! Anyway, out she came, in I went and and out it poured, nowt but a brown liquid - lots. It didn't even hit the sides (mine)!!! A huge relief followed at regular interviews by two such similar acts and thats it. No stomach ache, or other discomfort and all appears back to normal!

Must be something to do with my constitution?

Anyway, must rush.............

Post by **PeteC** » Wed May 24, 2006 8:06 pm

Perhaps when we get to page 7, it's time to turn it over to the gals for an in depth study of menstruation cycles and all the ramifications thereof? This is an equal opportunity forum.

Pete

Post by **Jockey** » Wed May 24, 2006 8:43 pm

prcscct wrote:Perhaps when we get to page 7, it's time to turn it over to the gals for an in depth study of menstruation cycles and all the ramifications thereof? This is an equal opportunity forum. Pete

Pete, where is your logic? Men shit & Woman shit so we can share our experiences equally. Only woman have periods so menstrual cycles is not a very equal opportunity debate for the men? However, on second thoughts, it could be a very good suggestion. We are all affected by them in some way or another!

(or am I talking too much crap?)

Post by **PeteC** » Wed May 24, 2006 9:29 pm

Jockey wrote: Pete, where is your logic? Men shit & Woman shit so we can share our experiences equally. Only woman have periods so menstrual cycles is not a very equal opportunity debate for the men? However, on second thoughts, it could be a very good suggestion. We are all affected by them in some way or another! (or am I talking too much crap?)

You are correct. Those of us who regularly sleep with women (as opposed to men, chickens, monkies and/or sheep) know too well that the laxative companies make billions each year from woman, and maybe a dollar and a half from men. When first married I thought it was because she wanted to become "regular"....meaning, the same time everyday. I soon learned that it was because of the BIG switch in food type from LOS to the USA. She wasn't getting her daily dose of expedient bacteria, subsequently causing massive coagulation of a concrete type substance in her lower track. At least, this is what the plumber used to blame it on. Once all was well once again, she just kept taking it and seemed quite happy sitting on the can 3-4 times a day, probably to get away from me? When we went our separate ways, she missed the court date...guess why...LOL?!...lucky me. Shit SHOULD happen, as we all know, and when I visit my daughter I never fail to remind her Mother (who is usually present) of that fact. She does not find it amusing?..I do!

I personally haven't shit in years. I have refined and honed my diet to the point where each sip of amber liquid is absorbed and used as fuel. Low emmision, high power. Perhaps I am a hybrid?!

Pete

Post by **caller** » Wed May 24, 2006 9:47 pm

Jockey wrote:
prcscct wrote: Only woman have periods so menstrual cycles is not a very equal opportunity debate for the men? However, on second thoughts, it could be a very good suggestion. We are all affected by them in some way or another! (or am I talking too much crap?)

Too frigging right we are, especially when you get a text on the way to Heathrow with the bad news of what has just started!!!!

Post by **Edd Case** » Thu May 25, 2006 6:09 am

Jockey wrote

Pete, where is your logic? Men shit & Woman shit so we can share our experiences equally. Only woman have periods so menstrual cycles is not a very equal opportunity debate for the men? However, on second thoughts, it could be a very good suggestion. We are all affected by them in some way or another! (or am I talking too much crap?)

Yeah, but we all suffer from PMT every month (believe me, I suffer) - in fact my last boss used to have it 28 days/month.

Post by **Bamboo Grove** » Thu May 25, 2006 2:25 pm

May be someone from Sweden or Finland, where I believe the temperatures are -30 most of the year, would like to comment

Well, my only comment to this is: about 26 years ago when I was doing my national service, we had war games for about a week. So we were camping in the lovely December weather of Finland. The only dunny was a branch of a tree laid in between too rocks. I think it was then when the idea of moving somewhere warmer first came to my mind. Didn't bother to check what the outcome of my visit to this outroom was.

Post by **Guess** » Sat Jun 03, 2006 1:36 am

Now that the silly season seems to coming to an end and all this rubbish about a game of pool and ownership of a pile of earth seems to have died I thought it would be appropraite to bring this far more important topic back to the surface and return to normality.

Thanks for BG's contribution that I had not seen before. Sounds a bit painful to me.

The weather and diet obviously suit me as I am as consistent as ever.

What has sprung to mind here is the question of volume rather than consistencey.

As we use tanks underground surely at some point they must get full. By my estimate my 1.6 tonne tank has had solid deposits of about 2000 Kilograms per year. It has been in place for close to three years now without the need for visit by the Helsinki taxi.

By my estimates by now it should be overflowing with over four tonnes of effluence.

Can anybody shed any light on this mystery and I am in for a big shock at some time in the future.

If I sell the property do I have to declare this fact to the Land Registry Office and what impact will have on the price of a Condo.