Bowel Movements - Firm, soft, sloppy or liquid?

[kris]

i know...well out of order....

usually a steak knife will suffice...the surrated edges mean i can hack through in next to no time...

[Guess]

i know...well out of order....

usually a steak knife will suffice...the surrated edges mean i can hack through in next to no time...

Just to update my knowledge of hygene in the nether regions of Thailand could you tell me if the knife goes straight back into the plastic pot it came from or do you wipe it on a piece of tissue first.


Another very interesting piece of news has just surfaced on another topic and that is the one of the effects of Panda fur consumption on the stoll. Is it in anyway possible that Ms. Kris eats Panda.

[STEVE G]

Guess wrote:
Another very interesting piece of news has just surfaced on another topic and that is the one of the effects of Panda fur consumption on the stoll.

Hi Guess,
It occurs to me, that you would have to have a pretty extreme case of the trots to have to resort to the consumption of Panda fur for relieve; it’s not after all, the sort of thing you find lying readily to hand at these times. Having to wait for some to arrive, from the Qinling Mountains, would entail considerable delay. You could of course resort to Mr. Zhangs ploy, get lashed up, and assault the poor beast in the zoo.

[Guess]

Never a problem for me. I tend to suffer with the other end of the spectrum closer to Asteroid.

A pair of bolt cutters usually gets it flushed though so no need to use the cutlery for me.

[JD]

I think there is enough information now posted on this Forum for some one with enough time and motive (Jaime or Guess) to put a thesis together about this thread and enter for next year’s Ig Nobel prize.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/5411816.stm

Although under what category, I don’t know.

[Guess]

Nutrition surely must be the category even though I would say a topic such as this merits catgegory of its own.

I'd love to get one of the winning devices. Maybe it could be adapted for BGs.

[santa]

Many years ago in India I saw toilet graffiti saying "It's a brave man who risks a fart in this country". Some weeks later on a bus in Penang I farted, and had to leap off the bus and buy new pants.

[Guess]

Some interesting information from the net here related to the topic.





http://www.tqnyc.org/NYC040719/fun_facts.htm

For you metric guys out there that is 371 Centimeters. The question I ask is, how was it measured.

[Jockey]

Thought I'd resurrect this thread cos' piss is in the top ten and taking over!
What's brown, long and sticky?












A stick of course!

[Guess]

Yes agreed the top 10 is about as interesting as an Enid Blyton novel at the moment.

Anyway to keep it going.

What is big, brown and steams out of caws?

















The Isle of Wight Ferry.

[Hervelon]

On my recent trip to Hua Hin and various other backward places, I had the opportunity to consider the changing anatomy of of my excreta over the course of a month. My study was in-situ and necessarily solitary and so I would like to broaden my research by means of this forum.

For the first week of my sojourn, I was delighted to find that the diet of milk, cheese, weetabix, bread, butter, bacon, potatoes, etc that I had been so happy to discover at Tesco Lotus was ensuring that my toilet bombs remained as good firm British logs. They even required mild effort to expell and so I felt like a conquering hero, upholding a fine British tradition in the steaming Tropics. Certainly, this was more authentic than High Tea at the Sofitel. However, my triumphant colonial evacuations were short lived and before long I found myself in dreaded 'too scared to fart' territory.

It all began with a 'bad mussel' and a few days of nasty gastro-intestinal pain after a trip to Mrs Jaime's relatives in Bangkok. After a couple of days of near normality back in Hua Hin, I was very quickly back on the pan after arriving in 'The Village' for Songkhran. In fact, whilst there, my most treasured and guarded possession was a toilet roll that I took with me from Hua Hin. It was one of two that I requisitioned in the name of civility and having quickly used the first I wished I had taken a truckload. The remaining roll was kept under lock and key in my dark, oven-like room, which resembled the Khmer Rouge head-man’s house in The Killing Fields. Most of my time was spent in explosive style on the squat toilet and then in the ‘bath room’ hosing myself down. The ambience in either of these rooms was marginally more welcoming than a Ugandan torture chamber.

Of course I was the only person who used tissue paper for toilet purposes in 'The Village' – everyone else uses their hand and some cold water from the mosquito infested open cistern next to the pan. I developed the act of balancing on the squat pan into a minor art form as I swatted the mosquitoes that hovered menacingly around my nether regions. Slipping into the pan was always a possibility but somehow I managed to avoid it. I seemed to spend hours at a time like this. Theoretically there is a ‘one hand for wiping, one hand for eating’ cultural regime in place in 'The Sticks' but the reality is that everyone eats with both hands. Since most food is communal finger food I was doomed to suffer the ‘arse like a blood orange’ syndrome until I got back to the relative civilisation of Hua Hin.

I had seen my glorious British logs quickly reduced, bypassing a transitional form, to explosive brown water bombs lacking any real substance and composed mainly of staccato air blasts and brown, tea-like liquid. In order to assist the reader's visualisation, this would be tea as served in the realm of HM QE2 - with a jot of milk. However, once back in HH, my stools began to slowly gain substance. By the time of the taxi trip back to Don Muang airport (two weeks later) they had achieved the consistency of a rustic calf liver pate that I had the pleasure of consuming with bruschetta in Venice this last January. It went well with a glass of Bardolino as I recall (the pate, that is). For those unlucky enough not to have partaken of Venetian calf's liver pate, it has the colour and consistency of smooth peanut butter - perhaps a jar that has a little too much peanut oil in it. I carefully inspected my creation at a service station near the turn off to Samut Songkhram and was relieved that things were firming up before my 12 hour flight.

It has taken a full week back in the UK for me to feel comfortable again and I am pleased to report that mild effort is once again required for the expulsion of a firm, unbroken stool. I am also confident enough to forcibly break wind for comedy purposes without risk of the joke being on me.

But my solitary suffering in Thailand caused me to consider the scatological plight of both Thais and ex-pats in The Land of Smile[sic]. For example. In the early stage of my holiday I was blocking latrines left, right and centre. The local plumbing just seemed to be unable to cope with the firm pride of British bowels. At first I thought it must be the toilet paper, but no! As my movements became more liquid I was using yet more paper to dab my flayed anus dry and the latrines, both squat and western styles, seemed perfectly able to cope with the quantity of paper, which must have equated to that of a small forest. It was definitely the logs that were causing the problem.

So, logic dictates that everyone in Thailand must be clogging their pan if they are delivering British style evacuations into it. Surely this is not the case or there would be the rythmic sound of plungers sucking at toilet pans rising above the chorus of frogs and crickets each day. My conclusion then, is that Thais and ex-pats experience soft to runny evacuations as a matter of course. I would hazard a guess that the Thai version is more liquid due to the daily diet of fish tank water soup, pond weed, bplah la and other sloppy fishy stuff but this would need verification.

I would be interested to read the contributions of other researchers on this subject, particularly in relation to the conclusion I have drawn concerning the nature of bowel evacuations amongst the Thai and ex-pat communities.

Even if it is a serious subject, i certainly laughed....well written

[STEVE G]

During a tour of the site of the first permanent English settlement, founded 400 years ago this month, the Queen pointed to a bizarre-looking relic said to be a device to cure constipation, and told her personal surgeon: "You need to have some things like that."
The Mail.

[PeteC]

During a tour of the site of the first permanent English settlement, founded 400 years ago this month, the Queen pointed to a bizarre-looking relic said to be a device to cure constipation, and told her personal surgeon: "You need to have some things like that."
The Mail.

This is on her USA visit, in Virginia. What needs to be done is get her to try some somtum if she has a problem. Pete

PS: The people in the USA sure seem to love your Queen per the news reports. Maybe because we haven't really had a leader for the past 7 years. There are more people turning out to see her and Prince Phillip than for Bush when he travels.

[Jockey]

... so why do I shit more than I eat and my girlfriend eats more than she shits? Thought I'd revive this thread to see if there is a scientific answer

[Randy Cornhole]

No there isn't...